(I was born Christian, but around high school, I realized I didn’t believe in any kind of god. I told my mother, who is usually an accepting women. She went crazy. For the next four years she forced me to go to church until I moved out. This happens a few months before I left. It’s Wednesday Night Bible Study and I’m on my heaviest period yet and am on my last pad until I get home. I have bled through my pants and have gotten it on the white folding chair.)

Youth Teacher: *is ending the night by talking how we need to communicate with God all the time in order to strengthen our connection to him*

(I’m not paying attention. I am just waiting for everyone to leave, so I can clean the chair and leave. I’m so busy formulating a plan that I don’t notice an eighth grader pulling my chair up from under me until I’m on the floor. My face is redder than the seat as everyone starts laughing.)

Eighth Grader: “She’s peed her pants and it’s red.”

Tenth Grader: “[My Name], how stupid are you? Don’t you know you need to wear pads when you bleed?”

Eleventh Grader: “Clearly not.” *sees my face* “Oh, God, look. She’s going to cry. She can’t even control her emotions.”

(I run out the room and head straight for the bathroom, where I proceed to lock myself in. About thirty minutes later I hear a knock on the door. It’s my mom. I open the door and she hands me a heavy duty pad from her purse, along with everything I left in the classroom.)

Mom: “You can be an atheist if you want. Heck, I’ll even join you.”

(Turned out the teacher told my mom what happened. My mom yelled at class for bullying me. Neither of us went back to that church. She found another one, and I stayed home and looked for places to live. This was the time she was understanding of why I’m an atheist. She is still trying to make me believe.)

(I am having one of those bad memory days and post about it on Facebook:)

Me: “I am watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and some part reminded me that I had to look up something on the Internet. By the time I got up and walked to my computer, I had completely forgotten what I wanted to find.”

Friend: “Someone must have cast obliviate on you…”

(My friend and I are having a conversation in the cafeteria in our college about Star Wars.)

Friend: “If there is no try and there is no spoon, then try equals spoon.”

(I’m babysitting a three-year-old girl and we’re playing a game that features different characters on a board. One is a ghost.)

Me: “Ooh, a ghost!”

Girl: “We have a ghost downstairs named Jack. He doesn’t do anything. He just stands by the stairs and waits.”

Me: “So, when is your mom coming back again?”

(We’re on a family road trip and my brother’s friend is along, and his parents wrote a letter authorizing my parents to take him to another country. There are two adults and one minor named Jones, two adults named Wilson, and one minor named Smith.)

Guard: “Can I see your IDs, please?”

Dad: “Here you go.”

(The guard looks through them for a bit.)

Guard: “And who does Mr. Smith belong to?”

Mom: “The people who wrote this letter.”

Guard: “You don’t know how happy I am to hear that. Go on, folks!”