Doesn’t Believe In Skirting Around The Issue

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Friendly | May 22, 2014

(I am at a sci/fi fantasy convention, walking around the dealer room, when I

overhear this interaction.)

Woman: “People need to realize that celebrities are regular people. They put their pants on one leg at a time like everyone else.”

Man: *in a kilt, passing by* “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I haven’t put pants on in years.”

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Pirates Of The Confirmation

| Springfield, IL, USA | Friendly | May 22, 2014

(I’m going to see the pastor of my church for an hour of instruction before my confirmation. Outside is a small class of about 10 preschoolers in the four-to-five age range. It is a cool day and I arrive on my Harley dressed in black leather, sunglasses, a bright purple bandanna on my head, and a red one around my neck. As I walk up to the front door to be let in, I hear this exchange, which completely made my day.)

Girl: *in hushed but audible voice to boy next to her* “Look! It’s a pirate!”

Far Too Blues Collared To Get It

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Friendly | May 21, 2014

(I am getting ready to leave school for the evening when I notice that Friend #1 has a very perplexed look on her face.)

Me: “[Friend #1], is something wrong?”

Friend #1: “I just found out that [Friend #2] is a smoker. I can’t believe it.”

Me: “What? I’m pretty sure [Friend #2] doesn’t smoke.”

Friend #1: “I just heard him say that he had a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes.”

Me: “Did he also say, ‘It’s dark and I’m wearing sunglasses?'”

Friend #1: “Yeah, how did you know?”

Me: *laughing* “[Friend #2] doesn’t smoke.”

A New Dimension Of Thinking

, | CA, USA | Friendly | May 21, 2014

(I am quizzing a friend for her exam. She wants to sleep.)

Me: “[Friend], are you lying down?”

Friend: “No. I’m standing up.”

(There is a pause.)

Friend: “Horizontally.”

Belong In The Car Fool Lane

| OR, USA | Friendly | May 21, 2014

(My neighbors have been parking in my reserved space for some time now. I confront them about it.)

Neighbor: “We’re sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Me: “Have you asked about using [Other Neighbor]’s space? He doesn’t have a car.”

Neighbor: “Oh, we were doing that, but he complained to the super.”

Me: *under my breath as I go into my apartment* “Then why did you think it would be okay to park in the spot of someone who HAS a car?”

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