Not A Remote Chance Of Working

| London, England, UK | Friendly | March 27, 2014

(I’m a girl in the first year of university. I go into the town with a male friend in my course. We’re both 18. We are just walking around until we find a shop that sells random novelty items.)

Friend: “Hey, look! A remote control!”

(It’s got various rude commands like ‘take off your clothes”‘, ‘suck my d***’ etc. printed on the buttons.)

Me: *roll eyes slightly* “Oh, yeah?”

Friend: “Gosh, I NEED to get this.”

Me: *sigh* “No. Please don’t waste £5 on this bit of plastic.”

Friend: “But it’ll be fun!” *proceeds to check out with a big grin*

(Back in the hall of residence…)

Friend: *rips off the packaging, points the remote control at me and presses the buttons repeatedly and angrily* “Urgh!”

Me: “Um, [Friend], what ARE you doing?”

Friend: “This thing doesn’t work! They’d better give me a refund!”

Me: “Did you REALLY think it would work?”

Friend: *offended* “Of course! Why else would I pay £5 for it?”

Only Has A Shell Of A Vocabulary

| Dunedin, New Zealand | Friendly | March 27, 2014

(This happens while we are playing a game where you have to come up with a fake definition of a word.)

Friend: “Oh I can’t remember this word!”

Me: “Well, use a synonym.”

Friend: “There is no synonym! I just have to quickly Google something.”

(We wait while he checks on his phone and finishes his meaning. When the fake guesses are read out it is still unclear of what the problem was until the question reader passes the papers back.)

Friend #2: “What word was it that you needed?”

Friend #1: “The last word.”

Friend #2: “What, slugs?”

Friend #1: *embarrassed* “Yes. I just Googled snails without shells…”

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, GTA Edition

, | CA, USA | Friendly | March 27, 2014

(My best friend and I are talking online like we often do. We’re talking about video games we’d like to own, and if we can afford them.)

Friend: “I have, like…” *checks wallet* “$75.”

Me: “Wow. How did you get that much?”

Friend: “Did I mention I have a job?”

Me: “No…”

Friend: “That’s because I don’t! How did I get this money? Did I mug someone?!”

Will Load It Up To Poo-Tube

| Mount Prospect, IL, USA | Friendly | March 26, 2014

(I observe a neighbor walking his dog while talking on a cellphone. The dog does his business on my lawn, and starts walking away. The neighbor starts walking away with him.)

Me: “Excuse me!”

Neighbor: *on phone* “Hang on, honey.” *to me* “Yeah, what?”

Me: “Your dog just left a pile on my lawn! Aren’t you going to pick it up?”

Neighbor: *looking at the pile* “That’s not from my dog! It’s too big! And he already did his business! Go to Hell!”

Me: “Well, lucky for me, I video recorded the whole thing on my phone. So unless you want a citation from the police, I suggest you pick it up.”

Neighbor: *taking out a handkerchief and picking up the mess* “A**-hole!”

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Lost In Translation, Or Just Plain Lost

| Berlin, Germany | Friendly | March 26, 2014

(I am waiting with several other people for a long distance bus driving from Berlin to Luxembourg City. Some of them are chatting in French. A guy approaches me who seems to be travelling alone and who has been observing all the others around him.)

Guy: “Where is Luxembourg City?”

Me: “Um, Luxembourg City is located in Luxembourg.”

Guy: “What?!”

Me: “Well, ‘Luxembourg’ is the name of the country and its capital.”

Guy: “Uh-huh. And what language do they speak there?”

Me: “Besides Luxembourgish, also French and German.”

Guy: “Whaaat?! That’s weird! These people are so stupid.”

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