Abstain From The Abstinence

| USA | Friendly | August 19, 2013

(My school gets the full range of sexual education, including abstinence and safe sex. I end up missing the abstinence part of it so my classmates are filling me in.)

Friend #1: “You are so lucky! First they had a speaker come in and tell us why it’s bad to have sex.”

Friend #2: “Yeah, then they handed out these little coin things. I already lost mine.”

Friend #1: “Then they made us learn about STDs. There was a slideshow with PICTURES!”

Friend #2: “It was so awful! I almost puked! You are lucky you missed it.”

Me: “You mean… you guys would rather have four of your teeth surgically removed than see that slide show?”

Friends #1 & #2: “YES!”

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Maybe He Was Hit In The Head After All

| IL, USA | Friendly | August 3, 2013

(My friends and I are sitting at our regular lunch table, when some nearby jocks start yet another food fight. One of them throws a fruit cup that just misses my friend’s head, and instead hits his bottle of soda.)

Friend: “Th-this Tampico bottle… it saved my life.”

Me: “It was just a fruit cup; I wouldn’t necessarily say it saved your—”

Friend: “Tampico never forget!”

Me: “Dude, calm down. It’s just a bottle—”

Friend: “TAMPICO NEVER FORGET!”

(Another friend decides to intervene.)

Other Friend: “Maybe it’s just best to let him have his moment.”

(Our friend runs out of cafeteria, holding the bottle in his hand raised triumphantly above his head.)

Friend: “TAMPICO NEVER FORGET!”

Books Can Run Rings Around Movies

| Perth, WA, Australia | Friendly | July 23, 2013

(‘The Hobbit’ is just about to come out at the cinema. We are walking past a poster advertising it.)

Friend #1:The Hobbit. What is that about?”

Me: “It’s by J.R.R. Tolkien, the same guy that wrote Lord of the Rings.”

Friend #1: “I never realized The Hobbit and Lord of The Rings were written by the same person.”

(A few days later…)

Me: “I want to go see The Hobbit.”

Friend #2: “What’s it about?”

Me: “It’s the prequel to Lord of the Rings.”

Friend #2: “I hate it when people do that. Have a really successful movie or trilogy, and then have to create another one that came first just to get more money. Obviously it’s not going to be as good.”

Me: “You do realize The Hobbit was written before The Lord of the Rings, like a long time ago?”

Friend #2: “They were books?”

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Courting Friendships

| CA, USA | Friendly | July 17, 2013

(I am in 9th grade. Most of the people in my gym class are also in 9th grade, making us all roughly the same age. There is one boy who is several years older than us, and in a special needs class. A few bullies in the class like to make fun of him for being mostly blind and mentally challenged. I’ve been his friend for about five years.)

Me: “Hey, [boy’s name]. Want to play basketball with me?”

Bully #1: “Why the f*** would you ask HIM to play?”

Bully #2: “He probably can’t even throw the f****** ball!”

(The boy has been quietly standing off to the side, pretending he can’t hear them.)

Boy: “Sure, I love playing basketball! Can I be on your team?”

Me: “Well, I don’t know how to actually play, but we can throw the ball and try to make baskets. Here, catch!”

(I toss the ball gently to the boy, who catches it with no problem.)

Me: “I’ll let you throw first. Can you make a basket from over there?”

(The boy walks over to the line that I point at, which is pretty far away from the basket. By now, most of the class is watching.)

Bully #2: “Dude, he’s gonna f*** it up. Just watch him f*** this up.”

(The boy stands there for a minute, looking back and forth between the spot where he’s standing and the basket. Then he launches the ball and it goes straight through the hoop without even bouncing off the rim. The whole class starts applauding and cheering, and the bullies are both shocked.)

Boy: “How was that? Just like when we play at church, right?”

Me: “Yeah, it is! That was really great!”

(I give him a hug. The bullies shuffle over, looking sheepish.)

Bully #1: “Hey, man… can we play, too? I want to be on YOUR team.”

(Everybody stopped making fun of the boy after that; the bullies even started to defend him!)

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So Many Wheys To Milk A Pun

Ottawa, Canada | Friendly | May 7, 2013

(It is the last week of classes where all assignments are due before finals. My friend and I are texting each other during an all-nighter as we try to complete our massive workload.)

Me: “I’ve reached the point where I don’t care if my points are cheesy; it gets the job done.”

Friend: “No! Cliche is a far worse fate than death!”

Me: “I said cheesy, not cliche. I mozza ask you to pay attention.”

Friend: “Don’t cheddar question my logic if you know what’s gouda for you!”

Me: “Cheese, your logic would brie nothing against mine. My logic comes from years of experience and from age.”

Friend: “Cheese, look at you. It’s a marble you’ve gotten so far with such pule logic. Mine is so much feta.”

Me: “Hey, don’t get fraishe with me! You butter quit while your ahead and brie thankful I don’t come over and break your parm for sage-esting that you are more sharp than mycella.”

Friend: “I bow to you, that was a thing of beauty. Truly, you’re a provolone. Cheddar luck next time. Alright, cheese puns are becoming grating. Leyden to rest.”

Friend: “I agree, we cottage stop.”

Me: “That could have be said feta.”

Friend: “You’re swissing the point.”

Me: “I didn’t mean much parm, just telling you it wasn’t very gouda.”

Friend: “Aura, that’s enough! Sorry to perail your puns, but urda stealing half of them from telemea.”

Me: “Urda cheese string and using an encyclopedia.”

Friend: “I just know moale about cheeses than you!”

Me: “You mozza looked up a list because I cheddar heard of telemea before and found it online. On a seperate note, I think I can finally go to bed. Gouda night!”

Friend: “You’re done?”

Me: “Yup, cheese whiz! That took forever.”

Friend: “Congrats, have the best sleep ever!”

Me: “I curdle ask for a butter reward.”

Friend:: “You can stop with the cheese puns now.”

Me: “Nope, cheese jokes will stick around for awhile. I mozza sleep it off!”

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