(My best friend and I are walking from a convention centre to his house. I’m not familiar with the area, so rely on my friend’s navigation skills, forgetting that every time I do so we end up getting lost. After walking for 15 minutes perpendicular to where we needed to be, we come across a familiar landmark, one of the hospitals, and realise the best way to get back on track is to cut through the grounds to the road on the other side. After passing through the grounds of the psychiatric ward we reach the road we’re after, and find our way out blocked by an eight-foot wall and spiked gates. We decide to just jump the wall rather than trek back looking for a way around, so he boosts me up, I straddle the wall and pull him up, and then we drop down the other side together, which turns out to be about 12 feet down. We look around, and see the big “[LOCATION] PSYCHIATRIC UNIT” sign behind us, and a group of people slightly further along the pavement looking at us in surprise.)
Best Friend: “YES! WE’VE ESCAPED! RUN, BEFORE THE DOCTORS REALISE!”
(We ran like h*** until we were out of sight, laughing the whole way. A fun diversion, considering the half an hour he added to our walk home.)
(I have a lot of annoying neighbors in the apartment complex: domestic disputes, neighbors stomping around, people knocking on doors for hours, just to name a few. But the worst is Orgasm Girl.)
Orgasm Girl: “Oh, my god! YES! Right there!”
Me: “Really? Again?”
Orgasm Girl: “Oh, GOD, YES! YES!” *continued screaming*
Me: “That can’t be real. It sounds like a p*rno!”
Orgasm Girl: “OH! OH! OH!” *finally finishes in a bigger scream*
Another Apartment: *applauds loudly and cheers*
Orgasm Girl: “…” *(thankfully) silent the rest of the night*
(In my high school’s gaming guild, we are playing a role-playing game. For every action, you are to roll a 20 sided die. The higher the roll, the worse the outcome; normally you overdo or underdo something. For example, if you try to force open something, you would injure yourself badly. We are currently in jail for story reasons, and are in a break. Note that Student #1 is disliked for reasons I’m not aware of, and people just want to kill him.)
Game Master: “Okay, it’s a break. What do you want to do?”
Student #1: “Masturbate furiously.”
Game Master: *shrugs* “Roll for it.”
Student #2: “If he rolls a 20 he’s ripping his d*** off.”
Student #1: *rolls 18*
Game Master: “Uh… Okay, you bend it 45 degrees. When you try to get the doctor to help, he just laughs at you.”
Everyone: *laughing hysterically*
(My friends are in the checkout line, but the people in front of us are trying to buy a wastebasket which doesn’t have a price tag, and they can’t remember where they got it from. As they’re going through this ordeal, I decide to wander off since I’m not buying anything and come back a little while later.)
Friend: “Where did you run off to?”
Me: “I went and got a cinnamon roll.”
Friend: “So, then, where’s the cinnamon roll?”
Me: “I ate it already.”
Friend #2: “Wait a minute! You mean to tell us that you went off, bought a cinnamon roll, ate it, and in that entire time, we haven’t moved a f****** inch in this line?!”
(I decided not to tell them that I went to the bathroom as well.)
(On my way to work I am sitting on a bench, smoking a cigarette, and browsing the Internet on my phone, when a man on a bike stops right in front of me.)
Man: “Do you have a cigarette for me?”
Me: “No, sorry.”
Man: “Will you please give me a cigarette?”
Me: “No, sorry. I don’t just give away cigarettes like that.”
Man: *starting to ride his bike away* “You fat cow! YOU’RE A C***!”
Me: *in the happiest voice I can make, smiling brightly* “Why, thank you! Have a nice day!”
Man: *flips me off*
(In retrospect, maybe I should have said “At least the fat cow has cigarettes!”)
