Cell Your Life Away

Petaluma, CA, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My eight-year-old daughter has been begging for a cell phone, and is jealous of her 11-year-old friend who just got her first cell, an older iPhone. My husband and I take them both to a local farm.)

Me: “[Friend], your phone’s falling out of your pocket; you should have left it in the car.”

Friend: “But I’m taking pictures of the kittens.”

Me: “I guess that’s reasonable.”

Daughter: “And her mom called her.”

Me: “Oh, why’d she call?”

Friend: “She just wanted to make sure we got here.”

Me: “Nope, we sold you to sea traders.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Daughter: “Mom? If we do sell her, can I have her phone?”

1 Thumbs
1,197
VOTES

Your Friends Are Your Best Anti-Drug Campaign

| CA, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(In college, I am roommates with several friends who decide one day to take a certain hallucinogenic substance. I and another friend of mine are the sober babysitters, although halfway through the night the other friend bails and leaves me the sole person to keep four people safe.)

Friend #1: “Holy crap! There are zombies outside!”

Me: “What? No… no there aren’t, honey. Those are just people. We live in a busy neighborhood.”

Friend #1: “Those. Are. Zombies. I need to go find something to use as a weapon, and then I’m going out there. I ain’t going down without a fight!”

Me: “Uh… no! No you can’t do that! They’re like… 28 Days Later zombies. They’re super-fast!” *seeing the look of panic on her face* “BUT! They’re crazy stupid. Sooo stupid. They don’t even know what a house is, so if we just keep the door shut and stay in the house, we’re totally good.”

Friend #1: “Oh… okay!” *smiles*

Friend #2: “I’ll be the Godzilla of Cheez-Its. You can be the Mothra of Cheez-its, and we’ll battle it out!”

Me: “Um… sure?”

Friend #3: “I get it now.”

Me: “Get what?”

Friend #3: “The bond between you and [Boyfriend]. It’s like me and these burgers… unshakable.”

Friend #4: *rips 4th of July wristband off and stomps on it* “It’s the man! He’s trying to keep me doooooown! You can’t win MAN!” *takes stomped wristband and throws it into a glass of water* “What’re you gonna do NOW?!”

Friend #1: “Zombies!”

Friend #2: “Cheez-it Godzilla!”

Friend #3: “Burgers!”

Friend #4: “The Man!”

To Catch A Mermaid Requires (Jail)Bait

| Winston-Salem, NC, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My friends and I are discussing the age of Disney Characters.)

Me: “Prince Eric is 16.”

Friend: “Prince Eric does not look like a 16 year old. If there were 16 year olds that looked like Prince Eric, I would be in jail.”

Down Blunder, Part 2

| Bucharest, Romania | Friendly | December 31, 2013

(I’m a rather multinational person. So far I have lived in four countries at 15 years of age. I am moving from the third to the fourth country. I’m going around getting my shirt signed. My friend is one year above me, and from France, but has lived in Romania for most of her life.)

Friend: “Hey. I heard you were leaving! Can I sign your shirt too?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead. Here’s a pen.”

Friend: “Thanks. So, where are you going?”

Me: “Vienna.”

Friend: “Ooh, I’ve always wanted to learn Italian.”

Me: “What?”

Friend: *condescending* “Italian? The language they speak in Italy?”

Me: “Oh, you’re thinking of Venice. No, I’m going to Vienna, as in the capital of Austria.”

Friend: “Oh, of course! Sorry. I’m not that great at Geography.”

Me: “Oh, that’s fine. I’ve been getting that all day. Vienna does sound an awful lot like Venice.”

Friend: “Okay. I’ve finished the picture!”

Me: “Great. See you.” *walks away*

(Later…)

Other Friend: “Who drew a kangaroo on your shirt?!”

 

Biology 101, One On One

| LA, USA | Friendly | September 10, 2013

(I’m stretched out on my boyfriend’s bed, burrowed under the covers, and he’s sitting at his desk, adding the finishing touches to an English paper. His roommate pokes his head into the room.)

Roommate: “You’re not done with that essay yet? I thought you said it you were nearly finished.”

Boyfriend: *without looking away from the computer* “Yeah but [my name] came over and we had a biology lesson.”

Roommate: *confused* “I thought she wasn’t in college?”

Me: *giggle*

Roommate: “What? I thought you weren’t a student!”

Me: *laughing harder* “I’m not!”

Roommate: “Then why did you have a biology lesson with [boyfriend’s name]? I know you’re too old to be in high school!”

Boyfriend: *shakes his head* “Dude, you’re in college. If you don’t get what I’m trying to say, I can’t help you.”

1 Thumbs
2,249
VOTES
Page 739/741First...737738739740741
« Previous
Next »