Hasn’t Got The Drive To Finish What He Started

| TX, USA | Friendly | May 30, 2014

(As I am turning into my grocery store parking lot, another car swerves from the nearby gas pumps and almost hits me. The man behind the wheel is obviously cursing by the way he’s flailing his arms and moving his mouth. He pulls on in to park and I have no choice but to park beside him, since the lot is small and almost full.)

Driver: “Stupid women driver b****es! No f****** clue at all. B**** almost hit me. I ought to go find her and slap the s*** out of her.”

Me: *taps him on the shoulder since I’m entering behind him* “I’m right here if you want to take a swing. Just to let you know I’ll hit back and I’m sure they have cameras to show you struck first so I could probably press charges.”

Driver: *goes pale* “Well, uh… uh…”

Me: “I didn’t think so. Next time, mind the drivers coming in from the road. I legally had the right of way.” *as sunny as I can* “Have a nice day!”

Driver: *mumbling as he goes in a different direction* “Know it all b****.”

Enough To Send You Tripping

| IA, USA | Friendly | May 30, 2014

(A college friend was moving to a city in California I’d always wanted to road trip to. She and another friend hid the fact that he was road tripping down with her to help her move until the day before, then said I couldn’t go because my ‘bladder is too small.’ I’m an adult and can hold it around timed breaks, thanks. Then, while on the road, they kept calling me.)

Friend: “Hey, are you at your computer? We’re in a dry town. Can you look up a place where we can go drink or get beer?”

(I look it up for them. Repeat the scenario a few times until I’ve had enough. Not only did they not invite me, these calls were rude, and assuming I’d be home all the time to help them was also rude.)

Friend: “Can you look up such and such for us?”

Me: “Why don’t you just text Google?”

Friend: “That costs money!”

Me: “I’ll mail you the 10 cents. Stop calling.” *click*

Their Marriage Is History

| Wales, UK | Friendly | May 29, 2014

(I’m a female member of an international living history group, and every year we have a camping event at a ruined castle in Wales. We’d been there for nine out of ten days, so a group of us decided to dress normally and go to the village pub for dinner and drinks. I didn’t know one lady very well, but she hung out at my friend’s camp so we found that we have the same weird sense of humour. On the way home from the pub we started singing bawdy songs.)

Friend: “Do you know [Song] by [Band]?”

Me: “Course I do! [Friend #2] and I sang it together at his first event!”

(We sing together all the way back to the castle. By this time, everyone had started packing, already gone to bed, or were at a green area getting rid of leftover food and drinks by a campfire.)

Me: “D*** it, why are you already married?”

Friend: “I am, but my persona isn’t.”

Friend #3: “You know, I’m a captain of the [Region] Navy…”

Me: “She’s right. Wanna be buried with our ones?”

Friend: “Yeah, all right.”

Friend #3 *to me* “Do you?”

Me: “H*** yes!”

Friend #3: *to Friend* “Do you?”

Friend: “D*** right..”

Friend #3: “By the power invested in me by the [Region] Navy, I now pronounce you Wife and Wife! Has anyone got a cake?”

(We found a cake and a butter knife and took awkward cake-cutting pictures. Our first dance was skipping around the green humming London Bridge, and for good luck we jumped over a lantern. Her husband took it pretty well when she told him; my fiancé wasn’t as impressed. When they met a few months later…)

Me: “[Fiancé], meet my wife, [Friend].”

Fiancé: *puts down what he was carrying, points at her* “HOMEWRECKER!”

(Thankfully, we all knew he was joking!)

When Greetings Have A Buried Deeper Meaning

| Mississauga, ON, Canada | Friendly | May 29, 2014

(My friend was coming over to play video games and was walking over to my house. In the meantime I was driving back from the grocery store. On the drive back I notice her walking. I honk and pull up to the sidewalk next to her.)

Me: “GET IN THE CAR! THERE’S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!”

Friend: “S***! I TOLD YOU TO BURY THE BODIES DEEPER.” *gets in the car* STEP ON IT!”

(We then drove away like nothing happened.)

Discrediting That Opinion

| MD, USA | Friendly | May 29, 2014

(I know a pair of twin sisters who look alike and have the same last name. One even has a profile picture with the two of them. The following happens over a social networking site.)

Twin #1: “So [Twin #2] and I both applied for credit cards with [Bank]… She got approved for a $1000 dollar limit, and I only got approved for $300?!”

Twin #2: “They must know about your expensive [Clothing Store] addiction!”

Friend #1: “It depends on your age and your parents’ credit history, I think.”

Friend #2: “Um… [Twin #1] and [Twin #2] are twins. They have the same parents…”

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