Your Friendly Neighborhood Racist

| IL, USA | Friendly | June 1, 2014

(My husband and I have just bought our first house. I am so excited I go over to take pictures of the house with the ‘sold’ sign in front. One of our new neighbors approaches and introduces himself.)

Neighbor: “Hi. I’m your neighbor, [Neighbor]. Welcome to the neighborhood.”

Me: “Thanks! I’m [First Name] White, so you’ll be seeing our name on the mailbox soon.”

Neighbor: “Well, I’m glad you’re Whites and you’re white!”

(I was suddenly not too excited about moving in next door to a racist!)

Top 5 Funniest Stories Of May 2014

Not Always Friendly | Friendly | June 1, 2014

May 2014 Top Story Roundup: Here are Not Always Friendly’s top-rated stories last month!

  1. Re-titled Those Entitled (1,234 thumbs up)
  2. Age Is But A Number But They’re Still Not Getting One (1,085 thumbs up)
  3. Inheriting Some Real Hot Real Estate (862 thumbs up)
  4. Won’t Make Eye Contact After This (800 thumbs up)
  5. Something Fishy About The Neighbors (799 thumbs up)

PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

PS #2: Read more roundups here!

Animal Madness

| USA | Friendly | May 31, 2014

(I’m shopping at the mall when suddenly a guy I have never seen before in my life walks right in front of me and stares at me for a few seconds.)

Guy: “… Penguin.”

Me: “Uh, polar bear?”

Guy: “Well, that’s harsh!”

(He stomped off as if I said something really offensive. To this day I still have no idea what that was about.)

Not What You’re Expecting When You’re Expecting

| Finland | Friendly | May 30, 2014

(I have a female friend who’s really sweet and nice but quite scatter-brained. She is trying to get pregnant with her husband.)

Friend: “Oh, we’re not pregnant yet but I’m not worried. I thought we’ll try at least a few more months before going to the doctor’s. It’s not been that long yet.”

Me: “It’s better not to worry. That’ll get you only stressed.”

Friend: “So true. You know, I just read in a magazine a helpful fact! Did you know that a woman is fertile only for like six days in a month!?”

Me: “Well, yes, it goes something like that.”

Friend: “You know I thought that we’d have a try with my husband every third day. Then that would make it plenty for a month!”

Me: “…?”

Friend: “Every third day would make like 10 times a month. That’s more than the six days so we’d be sure to get pregnant!”

Me: “Oh sweetheart, you know it doesn’t work that way. You can’t choose the days you’re fertile.”

(And then I explain her the concept of women’s menstruation and fertility. She listens quietly with wide eyes like it’s the first time she hears about why women menstruate.)

Friend: “Oh, my God! I’m so happy you’re so bright. I’m not so good at these things…”

(They were pregnant just over a month later and had a healthy baby boy.)

Hasn’t Got The Drive To Finish What He Started

| TX, USA | Friendly | May 30, 2014

(As I am turning into my grocery store parking lot, another car swerves from the nearby gas pumps and almost hits me. The man behind the wheel is obviously cursing by the way he’s flailing his arms and moving his mouth. He pulls on in to park and I have no choice but to park beside him, since the lot is small and almost full.)

Driver: “Stupid women driver b****es! No f****** clue at all. B**** almost hit me. I ought to go find her and slap the s*** out of her.”

Me: *taps him on the shoulder since I’m entering behind him* “I’m right here if you want to take a swing. Just to let you know I’ll hit back and I’m sure they have cameras to show you struck first so I could probably press charges.”

Driver: *goes pale* “Well, uh… uh…”

Me: “I didn’t think so. Next time, mind the drivers coming in from the road. I legally had the right of way.” *as sunny as I can* “Have a nice day!”

Driver: *mumbling as he goes in a different direction* “Know it all b****.”

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