Makes You Want To Bury Your Head In The Sand

| Bay Area, CA, USA | Friendly | April 7, 2014

(I am talking on the phone with a friend. We both live in California, but I am planning on going to university on Oahu. Previously, I have been to Oahu once, on vacation. I have just gotten a new skateboard and am learning how to ride it.)

Friend: “So, what did you do today?”

Me: “Practiced my skateboard a little. I still don’t really know how to turn it, but at least I didn’t fall.”

Friend: “How are you gonna skateboard in Hawaii?”

Me: “Oh, I’m just going to bring my skateboard in my luggage. It’s small enough to fit.”

Friend: “No, I mean how are you going to actually ride it? Hawaii is all sand!”

Me: “… What?”

Friend: *entirely serious* “It’s an island! It’s all sand!”

Family Value Vs. Dollar Value

| NC, USA | Friendly | April 7, 2014

(My best friend’s father-in-law has passed away. We are at the viewing before the funeral. My best friend’s two-year-old daughter, my goddaughter, can very shy sometimes and has learned I will bribe her with a quarter speak to me.)

Me: “Hey, [Goddaughter]. Can I have a hug?”

Goddaughter: *shakes her head and hides behind her dad*

Me: “If you give me a hug…” *realizing I have no change* “…I’ll give you a dollar!”

Goddaughter: “Okay!” *runs over and hugs me*

(I pull out my wallet and give her my last dollar. At that point, a very attractive woman, who my best friend works with, walks up. She has seen the whole interaction.)

Attractive Woman: *laughing* “I want a dollar.”

Me: “Um, [Goddaughter], can I have my dollar back?”

Goddaughter: “No!” *runs away*

(My best friend starts laughing at my misfortune.)

Me: “Don’t laugh. Your daughter is learning to give affection to men for money.”

ATM Is A Hamburglar

, | Flagstaff, AZ, USA | Friendly | April 5, 2014

(My best friend and I are hanging out in his dorm room up at college. It is getting late, approaching dinner time.)

Me: “Man, I’m getting hungry. I kinda don’t wanna go to the student union, though…”

Best Friend: “Yeah, me neither.”

Me: “We could go drive around and look for a good place to eat off-campus. See what’s available.”

Best Friend: “Aw, man… I’d love to, but I don’t have any cash on me right now and all I have is an ATM card. All the banks are probably closed by now.”

Me: “There’s an ATM in the lobby, though, isn’t there?”

Best Friend: “Yeah, but that’s not my bank! They charge an extra three bucks to use it if you’re not with them! That’s like, a hamburger or something! I don’t wanna waste my money…”

Me: “Yeah, OK. I get what you’re saying. Never mind that then.”

(We talk a little more, and decided that, despite wanting to get off-campus, we’ll just go to the student union after all. As we walk out of the halls and into the dorm building’s lobby, we pass by the aforementioned ATM.)

Best Friend: *pointing* “STUPID ATM! STEALIN’ ALL MY HAMBURGERS!”

(Needless to say, the girl at the front desk gave us some very strange looks as we left!)

G, You’re Being Mean!

| AZ, USA | Friendly | April 5, 2014

(During lunch, a group of five of my friends are chatting and eating. Another friend walks up.)

Guy: “Hey, what’s up?”

Girl: *the joker of the group* “Hey!” *pointing at each one of us sitting* “This is an A, B, C, D, E conversation so why don’t you F your way out!”

(She immediately turns red and everyone looks shocked before we all start laughing.)

Sobering Judgement

| Fresno, CA, USA | Friendly | April 4, 2014

(I am sitting our local coffee shop giant using the internet when I overhear three people talking about their previous night, laughing aloud.)

Person #1: “Yeah, man, I got SOOOO wasted last night at [Restaurant]!”

Person #2: *to Person #3* “Yeah, man. You got so drunk you were swerving all over the road while driving!”

Person #3: “I did? Haha, I must have been awesome!”

(At this point I look up at them with my eyebrow raised, and they take notice.)

Person #2: “Oh, look, she is judging you!” *they start laughing like it is some big joke*

Person #3: “Whoops!”

(All three are expecting me to join in and joke, when I speak up.)

Me: “Actually, my mother was hit by a drunk driver and is missing teeth, has scars, and couldn’t walk for the better of two years. So, yeah, I am judging you.”

(The atmosphere grows silent, and they eventually move away from me, whining about my judgmental attitude. For the record, despite no teeth and horrid lawyers, she is doing so much better!)

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