(My first dealing with my future wife’s “best friend” happens online, when she tries to reject the color of her bridesmaid dress, orders a dress that doesn’t fit, then tries to wear a white dress because “black is too plain!”. My fiance and I agree that — due to death threats from my family because we’re both female — our wedding will be a drama-free zone, and that if Friend causes any more drama she will be out of the wedding party.)

Me: “Babe… have you checked our event page on Facebook?”

Fiancé: “No, why?”

Me: “[Friend] just wrote on the wall. She has to work that day.”

Fiancé: “WHAT?!” *begins texting* “It’s eleven days before the wedding and you’re not only bailing, you’re telling me over Facebook? You can’t even call me? Are you serious?!”

Friend: “It seems like you don’t want me at the wedding anyway. And it doesn’t sound like you. You never wanted a white wedding.”

Fiancé: “What does that even mean? ‘White wedding’? And I asked you to be a bridesmaid so of course I wanted you there. This is not cool, [Friend], not at all. You’ve known for months what day the wedding is on and you didn’t ask for it off?”

(Luckily, a friend of ours is able to step up. Then a few days later Friend’s MOTHER messages my fiancé over Facebook.)

Fiancé: “So apparently [Friend] wants to come to the wedding after work. She gets off at seven.”

Me: “I am not too crazy about that idea, but that aside aren’t we going to be done by seven? And why is her mother telling us this? Shouldn’t she be talking to us?”

(We agreed that we both wanted an apology from Friend before we would consider allowing her to attend the wedding, and that it needed to be sincere and come at least two days before the ceremony so we could talk about it. We didn’t hear from Friend until we were having dinner with the bridal party after the rehearsal, less than twelve hours before we were due to get married. When we said no, Friend’s mother called my mother-in-law to complain. Neither Friend nor her mother came to the wedding, and my wife and I had a lovely ceremony anyway.)

(I’m at my daughter’s Little League game. The game is tied and both teams look tense except for one girl on my daughter’s team, Girl #1, who is in the field. All of a sudden an ice-cream truck rolls by…)

Girl #1: “ICE-CREAM!”

(She runs off the field towards the truck. The person at bat hits right where the girl was standing. By the time someone else gets to the ball, another player has already gotten to home base, securing the win for the opposing team. Girl #1 returns with her ice-cream cone, and everyone seems furious.)

Girl #1: “What happened?”

(While everyone yells at her, the opposing coach walks off then returns with arms full of ice-cream. I assume it’s for his team, but instead he passes the ice-cream around to my daughter’s team.)

Opposing Coach: “This ice-cream is for you all being such good sports. When someone on your team makes a mistake, you forgive her instead of getting angry.”

(The team members now look embarrassed and apologize to the girl.)

Girl #2: “You know what? They just get trophies, while we get delicious ice-cream! We’re the real winners here! Thanks, [Girl #1]!”

(And thanks to the coach, who made a little girl feel better and made her team members kinder.)

(I have a rather large birthmark on my left shoulder. It is benign, but that does not stop people from asking what happened to my shoulder, sometimes in a rude way. This incident happened in the summer, tank top season, when I get the most comments. I am at the mall with my friends, and a random stranger walks up to me.)

Stranger: “Hey, what happened to your shoulder?”

Me: “Oh, it’s just a birthmark.”

Stranger: “You know, you can have surgery to remove things like that.”

Me: “And why would I want to?”

Stranger: “Because if you didn’t have that ugly thing on your shoulder, you would actually be really pretty! Nobody is ever going to marry you if that thing is still there!”

Me: “That is none of your business. I happen to like my birthmark, and if someone doesn’t like me because of it, they’re not worth it. Please leave me alone, and go bother someone else.”

Stranger: *shouting* “IT’S UGLY! GET THAT D*** THING REMOVED! NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO SEE IT!”

(They then walked away, muttering and cursing. My friends all gave me high fives, and we continued our shopping trip.)

(During college I work as a receptionist at a health clinic. There were four of us who rotate shifts and I often work with a second receptionist who is about 12 years older than me.)

Receptionist #2: “[My Name!] I wanted to ask you if you’d like to see a movie this weekend with [Receptionist #3], [Receptionist #4], and me for my birthday?”

Me: “Sure! What were you wanting to see?”

Receptionist #2: “You should know!”

(I should point out she was a HUGE Twilight fan. HUGE. I’d read the books on a 15-hour flight once because someone told me they were a quick read, but I personally prefer Anne Rice’s vampire novels.)

Me: “Um… Twilight?”

Receptionist #2: “Yes!”

Me: “Oh… I’m not really sure.”

Receptionist #2: “Oh, please? Please? I REALLY want us all to do something together!”

Me: *feeling guilty* “Well…”

(Receptionists #3 and #4 happen to come in for their shift and overhear. They finish convincing me to go with them. They aren’t fans either, so it’s pretty much understood we’re all doing this to be nice to Mary.)

Me: “Okay, I’m in.”

Receptionist #2: “Yay! And the best part is we’re going to the midnight premiere!”

Me: “WHAT?!”

(Receptionists #3 and #4 smirk at me, and I feel a sense of dread. Fast forward to that weekend. We get tickets ahead of time, have a late dinner which is really nice, and then the four of us go wait for the movie to start. The theater is PACKED with a mix of mostly teenage girls and women Receptionist #2’s age. Eventually, one of the “love interest” characters takes off his shirt, and the entire theater erupts in SCREAMS and WOOs!)

Me: *holding one ear shut since [Receptionist #2] is next to me screaming her head off, and glaring at [Receptionists #3] and [#4]* “I hate both of you so much right now.”

Receptionist #3: *also holding her ears* “You didn’t think we’d let you miss this, did you?”

(My soccer team is playing at a tournament at a high school in my county. After my team’s goalie blocks a potential goal from the other team, a kid comes up from behind me.)

Kid: “Boo”

Me: “You didn’t scare me.”

Kid: “I wasn’t scaring you.”

Me: “Then who were you scaring?”

Kid: “Nobody.”

Me: “…”