Articulating Masticating

| AB, Canada | Friendly | April 16, 2014

(I am eating lunch at the end of a hallway with a large group of friends. We usually have about three conversations going on at once.)

Friend #1: *vigorously eating sandwich* “My favorite part about lunchtime is masticating in the hall.”

Friend #2: *not paying attention, suddenly looks up in horror* “Doing WHAT in the hall?!”

(She was relieved when we told her that she had NOT heard what she thought she’d heard.)

Their Thieving Days Are Numbered

| Somerset, NJ, USA | Friendly | April 16, 2014

(My four-year-old niece has earned a dollar for helping out at home. She is quite excited, and has been carrying this bill with her all day. Her father stops at a local convenience store, and she brings her dollar bill inside with them. They are going to the register, when she realizes she has dropped her bill in the candy aisle. As she goes to retrieve it, a man with a female companion grabs it off the ground.)

Man: “Here’s my dollar! I must have dropped it!”

(My niece looks to her dad, shocked.)

Niece: “Daddy? That’s my dollar.”

Man: “Nope. I dropped a dollar bill right here. This one is mine. Right, honey?”

Female Companion: “Oh, it’s definitely yours. Shame on you, little girl.”

(My niece is tragically disappointed and confused. Her face is crumpled in defeat and she is near tears.)

Niece’s Father: “Humor me for a second. Hand that bill over to the cashier.”

Man: “Why? It’s mine!”

Niece’s Father: “Then you’ll get it back in just a second. Just humor me, okay?”

(The man reluctantly hands the bill over to the cashier.)

Niece’s Father: “[Niece], tell the man what numbers are on that bill.”

(My niece proudly repeats a string of numbers.)

Niece’s Father: “Miss, what is the serial number on that dollar?”

Cashier: *reads off the same numbers my niece just said from memory*

(My niece is ecstatic. As her father looks at the man and woman, they can’t even look him in the eye, and they rush out without a word. The best part? My niece bought her candy and the cashier was so impressed that she paid for it out of her own pocket so she could keep the dollar!)

1 Thumbs

It’s A Muggle’s Games

| St. Cloud, MN, USA | Friendly | April 16, 2014

(My best friend is at my apartment with me, my roommate, and my fiancé, and we are playing Taboo. In this game, you have to get others to guess a word without saying any of the related words beneath it on the card. We aren’t playing it by the rules; just taking turns trying to get everyone else to guess without keeping score.)

Roommate: *draws card* “Hmm… world cup.”

Best Friend & Me: *in unison, with conviction* “OH! QUIDDITCH!”

(My fiancé and roommate look at me and my best friend like we’ve lost it.)

Fiancé: SOCCER.

Roommate: “Did you guys seriously forget Quidditch isn’t a real sport?

Me: “… Yes.”

Dying For A Cigarette

| Houston, TX, USA | Friendly | April 15, 2014

(The light rail runs down Main Street on both sides of the median. The rail stations are located on the median between the rails. As I am waiting at the station for the southbound train, a man walks up to the station from the wrong side. There’s a barricade preventing people from entering the platform there. They want people to use the crosswalks, where it’s safer, so he is standing ON the northbound railroad tracks as we had this conversation.)

Panhandler: “Can you help me out with a cigarette? I think I can get around the system by asking from here. Ya see, the police gave me a ticket for $175 on the way down here and…”

(The police give tickets for panhandling at the rail station.)

Me: *I leaned over the barrier to look down the rail* “There’s a train coming!”

Panhandler: “Could you help—”

Me: “It’s right there! Do you want to get run over? Get the h*** off the track!”

(The panhandler dashes back to the sidewalk and seconds later the train rolled past. As soon as it was gone, he walked back onto the rail and up to the barricade.)

Panhandler: “Could you help me out with a cigarette?”

Me: “I just saved your life. I kept you from getting run over by a train. I think I’ve helped you enough.”

Panhandler: “But is that REAL help?”

Me: “If you asked most people which is more help, a cigarette or keeping them from getting run over by a train, they’d go with the ‘not getting run over by a train’ option as being more helpful.”

Panhandler: “Do you think it’s illegal for me to be asking for a cigarette from here? I’m trying not to get a ticket. I’m trying to buck the system.”

Me: “I think you can get a ticket for hanging out ON the railroad tracks. And you can get run over by a train.”

Panhandler: “I think… maybe I need to stop thinking.”

Me: “Maybe you need to start thinking.”

They Need A Break From Each Other

| PA, USA | Friendly | April 15, 2014

(Several years ago, I was ice skating with Friend #1 during Thanksgiving break. I had difficulties moving, and I needed Friend #1 to give me a push. I ended up tripping from the push and breaking my left arm in three places. Ever since then, Friend #1 has jokingly bragged about breaking my arm to near everyone he meets or otherwise knows. Fast forward several years later to our 2012 summer break, where I, Friend #1, and four other friends are setting up a game of Warhammer 40,000 on the upper level of my family’s outdoor deck.)

Friend #2: “All right. So, bathroom break, then we start this?”

Friend #4: “This is how we start the summer, like total nerds.”

Friend #3: “Oh, come on. This is fun.”

Friend #1: *speaks up suddenly* “So, speaking of fun, wanna know something fun to do here at [My Name]’s house?”

(I am about to ask Friend #1 what he means, but before I could ask or anyone could answer, he immediately bounds down the deck’s steps towards a built-in bench. I realize he is about to jump off the flat railing of the bench onto the hill behind it, and don’t say a word since we’ve safely done it before. Friend #1, however, jumped off of the bench ITSELF instead of the flat railing BEHIND it, leading him to land face-first into the hill.)

Me: *chuckling* “Yo, [Friend #1], you okay?”

(My other friends are mixed between asking if he’s all right and laughing as well, although after we get him, he complains about being sore. Around ten to fifteen minutes later, my mom comes home and finds Friend #1 still moping about his arms. After she took him home, his mother ended up taking him to the doctor’s office. Apparently, he had managed to break BOTH of his arms, with a total of three fractures, just like I had. After a day or two, I visit him at his house, where both his arms are in casts.)

Me: “Dude, that sucks.”

Friend #1: *laughs* “Those meds are awesooomeee…”

Me: “Huh?”

Friend #1’s Mother: “They gave him morphine for the procedure or some other drug. He’s still getting over it. This is kinda a reversal of what happened to you a couple years back, huh, [My Name]?”

Me: “Wait, you’re right! I broke my arm the day before Thanksgiving; he did it just as summer break started!”

Friend #1’s Mother: *smirking* “You even have the same number of fractures! Ha!”

Me: “Karma, you took a long time getting here, but thank you!”

Friend #1: “Aw, screw you, man…”

Page 728/782First...726727728729730...Last
« Previous
Next »