(I am an eight-year-old selling Girl Scout cookies. In Hawaii we speak pidgin. In pidgin the most common phrase is ‘da kine’ which is a relative term to be used for pretty much anything. Natives have this natural hatred for tourists, which I was raised with.)

Tourist: *stops car by where I was selling cookies* “Aloha! Can you point us to the mall?”

Me & Friends: *blank stare*

Tourist: “Oh! Can you speak E-n-g-l-i-s-h?”

Friends: *groan*

Me: *pulls the most shit-eating grin* “Oh, yeah, just drive past da kine.”

Friends: *grins and starts to play along*

Tourist: *confused* “Ah, yes, and where is that?”

Friends: “Oh, yeah, it’s right by da kine.”

Tourist: *obviously getting flustered*

Me: “Do you n-o-t u-n-d-e-r-s-t-a-n-d?”

Tourist: “I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE GONE TO FIJI! STUPID ISLANDERS!”

(It is a Sunday and I am managing a national chain restaurant. The young woman who is waiting the counters looks up and says to me:)

Woman: “Oh, look, there is my gynecologist.”

Me: “Really? What’s his name?”

Woman: *waves and calls out* “Hi, Dr. Hyman!”

(She wasn’t joking…)

(It is a hot and sunny spring day. I’m on my way across the state to visit my parents for Passover. I stop halfway there for a meal. I have a mild form of Muscular Dystrophy and sometimes use a cane to help me get around easier. It is a simple black metal cane and nothing like the red and white guide sticks and canes for the visually impaired. Since it is so bright out and my eyes are more sensitive to light, I wear my sunglasses while driving and keep them on until I sit down at the bar to order. As soon as I sit down, I hang up my cane on the bar and place my sunglasses down in front of me and begin reading the menu. I have never had any visual problems. While I am studying the menu and drinking my water, the woman sitting next to me keeps looking over at me. I try to ignore it, but she seems to be studying me more and more intently, even leaning over to try to “subtly” look closer at my face. Eventually, I can’t ignore it anymore.)

Me: “Can I help you, lady?”

Woman: “Oh… you can see?”

Me: “What?! Yes, I can see! What are you talking about?”

Woman: “You have sun glasses and a cane…”

Me: “This is not a red and white guide cane, I am not wearing my sunglasses, and I am obviously reading this menu.”

Woman: “I don’t know… It looked like you were blind.”

(She trailed off and left me alone the rest of my time there.)

(I have Joint Hypermobility Syndrome which causes pain and means my joints bend too far. I’ve been in a lot of pain recently. After work one day, my boss and I are walking to our cars. I get in my car and start the engine. My boss opens the passenger door and puts a gift bag on the seat. She smiles at me and gets into her car and drives off before I get a chance to speak. I text her.)

Me: “Why did you do that?”

Her: “You’re a trooper and I know you’ve been in more pain recently than you have been letting on. I hope it cheers you up.”

(She gave me a cherry-scented candle, a cherry face scrub, and a mini bottle of my favourite wine. Best. Boss. Ever.)

(I’m on the phone with a friend and the call drops. I call back a few times with no answer. On the fifth or sixth time, she picks up again.)

Friend: “Oh, hey, sorry I didn’t realize you called again. My screen doesn’t light up for calls anymore, I think it’s broken.”

Me: “Weird. Does your ringtone not go off either, then?”

Friend: “My screen doesn’t light up so I don’t know you called.”

Me: “Yeah, you said that. So your ringtone is broken, too? Or the vibrate?”

Friend: “But the screen doesn’t light up.”

Me: “That’s not what I’m asking and you said that like four times now. I know your screen doesn’t light up. Is your ringtone broken as well?”

Friend: “But my screen is broken”

(This went on to the point where I just hung up on her.)