Dying To Move To Ontario

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Friendly | June 5, 2014

(I am talking online with a friend from university who lives in another province, who I haven’t spoken to in some time.)

Friend: “I miss you so much, [My Name]!”

Me: “Likewise!”

Friend: “And you’re in Ontario now?”

Me: “I am, in Ottawa.”

Friend: “Living?”

Me: “Well, I’m not dead…”

Saving Yourself From An Ocean Of Troubles

| PA, USA | Friendly | June 5, 2014

(A friend and I are discussing my upcoming wedding and the conversation turns to the honeymoon.)

Friend: “So, where are you going for your honeymoon?”

Me: “I don’t know. My dream is to go to Ireland but we don’t have a whole lot of money right now so that probably won’t happen.”

Friend: “If you do go to Ireland, I’ll stow away in the trunk!”

Me: “… In the trunk of my car?”

Friend: “Yes.”

Me: “As I somehow drive my car across the Atlantic Ocean?”

Friend: “Oh, right…”

Having A Crack At Looking Nice

| IL, USA | Friendly | June 4, 2014

(I usually come to school wearing sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt or sweatshirt, but today I have a presentation so I dress up a little in jeans and a nice top. My friend notices this.)

Friend: “Hey, I like your shirt!”

Me: “Thanks!”

Friend: “I just can’t believe you look nice for once!”

Me: “Uh, thanks? What’s that supposed to mean, anyway?”

Friend: “It’s just that you always look more…”

Me: “… relaxed?”

Friend: *at the same time as me* “… like a crack addict.”

Me: “…”

Friend: “Wait, no, that sounded bad! I meant to say—”

Friend #2: “Dude, just quit while you’re ahead.”

What A Nice Caricature

| Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Friendly | June 4, 2014

(I am sitting on the bus, after having a bad morning, leftover from the day before that was even worse. I have my media player out, and am watching a clip from an animated Batman episode. A small girl, about four years old, is sitting with her mother next to me.)

Little Girl: *after she looks over to see what I’m doing* “You have cartoons?”

Me: *trying to be friendly* “Yeah. I have a lot of cartoons on this thing.”

(We sit quietly and watch the clip together, and I pull up a few more, much to the delight of the little girl. Their stop comes before mine, and it takes the mother a few attempts to get her daughter to pry her eyes off the current clip and follow.)

Little Girl: “Bye!”

(She stopped suddenly, then out of nowhere, turned around and hugged me. I returned it briefly, and smiled as she and her mother left to get off the bus. I don’t know who you are, little girl, but you made a miserable young woman who was having a rough week very happy, and your mother should be proud to raise someone as sweet as you.)

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Sins Of The Mother

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Friendly | June 4, 2014

(My friend has arranged a disco birthday party for her six-year-old daughter at a local club. She invited 10 of her daughter’s best friends, including my daughter. One of the mothers walks up.)

Parent: “We are here for [Daughter]’s party.”

Friend: “Great to see you!” *to the child* “If you’ll take a seat over there with [Daughter] while we wait for everyone else?”

Parent: *to all four of her children* “Go and sit with [Daughter].”

Friend: “But we only invited [Child].”

Parent: “No. It’s not fair that you only invited [Child]. I expect you to take all of my children.”

(The parent walks off and leaves the venue before we could react. My friend has to pay an added $45 for the extra children. One is a toddler, and they are very undisciplined. I stay and help supervise. At the end of the party we have to wait for the parent to finally turn up.)

Parent: *shoves something into friend’s hand* “Here, buy a gift for your daughter.” *takes kids and leaves*

(My friend, standing stunned, opens her hand to reveal $2.)

Me: “I’m guessing that woman will be wondering why her children will never get invited to anything more than once.”

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