Giving It To You Straight(ened)

| Groningen, Netherlands | Friendly | April 9, 2014

(I meet a friend after leaving a hairdresser to have my hair straightened.)

Friend: “You lost something.”

Me: “Hmm, what?”

Friend: “Your curls.”

(A bit later, I put a picture on Facebook of the new hairdo, to which the same friend reacts.)

Friend: “You lost something.”

Me: “My curls?”

Friend: “No, your dignity.”

Should Have Just Gone With ‘Maybe’

| Norwich, England, UK | Friendly | April 8, 2014

(I am staying with friends, who are a couple, over New Year. All of us are big geeks. My female friend has had to work New Years Eve and will be working New Years Day. She’s just come in from work and isn’t quite feeling it for the New Years party we’re meant to be going to.)

Friend: “Do you think [Boyfriend] will mind if I don’t come out tonight? I’m exhausted.”

Me: “Well, it is New Year. It’s generally nice to have someone to kiss at midnight. But he’s really laid back so he probably wouldn’t mind much. But it might make him sad to miss out on it. He’d probably understand though.”

(There’s a pause whilst I consider the conflicting advice I’ve given her.)

Me: *apologetically* “Do not go to the elves for advice, for they will say both no and yes.”

Coffee Is Good As There Is No Proof

, | USA | Friendly | April 8, 2014

(I never met my college roommate before we moved in together. We didn’t get along very well, since she liked to drink a lot, even by herself, and she disrupted my studies and slept very frequently when she would come home drunk. I had just made myself a pot of coffee for a late night of studying.)

Roommate: “You shouldn’t drink so much coffee. That s***’s like poison. It’ll kill you.” *takes a swig of vodka right out of the bottle*

Me: “O… kay.”

Get Out Of Town!

| CA, USA | Friendly | April 8, 2014

(My boyfriend and I are out and about, bored, and decide to drop in on a friend of mine. On the way, we decide to call first just to make sure he’s home, but still want to surprise him somehow. I’m new to the area and as we go, I notice a sign…)

Friend: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi! Quick question. What’s an airport doing in [Tiny Town, which I wouldn’t have expected to have an airport]?”

Friend: “Business flights, mostly— Wait a minute. What are YOU doing in [Tiny Town]?!”

Me: “Oh, yeah. Also, [Boyfriend] and I are kidnapping you for videogames and dinner. We’ll be there in five minutes. Bye!” *click*

(He was outside when we got there five minutes later… with a very large Super-Soaker.)

A Time For Giving Only

| TX, USA | Friendly | April 7, 2014

(Every year at Christmas, my family makes large batches of treats: peanut brittle, cheeseballs, fudge, brownies, and that’s just a beginning list of the goodies we tend to make. Because my budget is tight, I’ve made my best friend and her family a huge basket with a large amount of all these treats I’ve made from scratch and carried it over the night before Christmas.)

Friend’s Daughter: “Ooh, yay, goodies! I love your goodies.”

Me: *laughing* “Well, feel free to dig in. Just remember you have to share. I wish I could have given you guys more, but my bank account is really tight, so this is all the Christmas I could give.”

Friend: “I understand that.” *goes into a tangent of all the expensive things she bought her three kids: smartphones, new game systems, new expensive shoes…*

Me: “Ah, yeah, I didn’t even have money to get my car repaired. I’m scared it’s going to break on me soon.”

Friend: “Oh, I’m sorry.” *doesn’t sound sorry at all* “I just got a brand new car myself. I’m so excited. [Husband] surprised me with it, but the payments are so high on it.”

Friend’s Daughter: “There’s only food in here. Where’s the presents?”

Me: “Those are the presents. I made all of those for you guys to enjoy for Christmas.”

Friend’s Daughter: “That’s just sweets. Why didn’t you get me presents?”

Me: *really hurt* “You know, I don’t remember you buying me a present, young lady. I remember I bought you that really nice jewelry kit for your birthday two months ago and your brother got that full collection of movies from me.”

Friend: “That was their birthday, though. I can’t believe you didn’t buy any presents! That’s rude, [My Name)!”

Me: *smiles and picks up the basket of sweets* “You’re right. It totally was. I also noticed that you didn’t bother to buy me anything this year, either. Or the year before. Or the year before that. I’ll just remember how rude I was to bring you this large basket of food for Christmas.”

Friend’s Daughter: “No! Bring the fudge back!”

(I left with everything and haven’t talked to her or her family in over a year. Apparently, she’s mad at me for ruining her children’s Christmas.)

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