Vintage Trolling

Prince George, BC, Canada | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My dad loves teasing people. Almost everyone who knows us knows this, but newcomers are sometimes never sure if they should take him seriously. One of our good family friends has just gotten married.)

Friend #1: *to his wife* “Don’t worry; he’s just trolling you.”

My Dad: *grins unrepentantly* “I’ve been trolling people since before it was called trolling!”

Friend #1: “Yeah, back then we just called them a**-holes.”

Being Taken For A Runaround

Devon, England, UK | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My son is early in learning how to move and walk. I’m meeting up for coffee with a mom friend; her son is five weeks younger.)

Me: “Everything is kind of hectic and stressful because he is just into everything. You’re lucky that yours is content with sitting up.”

Friend: “Actually I kinda wish mine was moving about more. I’m really looking forward to it.”

(My friend spends the next hour watching me chase after my son.)

Friend: “You know what I said earlier about wanting my kid to crawl? Never mind.”

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Cell Your Life Away

Petaluma, CA, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My eight-year-old daughter has been begging for a cell phone, and is jealous of her 11-year-old friend who just got her first cell, an older iPhone. My husband and I take them both to a local farm.)

Me: “[Friend], your phone’s falling out of your pocket; you should have left it in the car.”

Friend: “But I’m taking pictures of the kittens.”

Me: “I guess that’s reasonable.”

Daughter: “And her mom called her.”

Me: “Oh, why’d she call?”

Friend: “She just wanted to make sure we got here.”

Me: “Nope, we sold you to sea traders.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Daughter: “Mom? If we do sell her, can I have her phone?”

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Your Friends Are Your Best Anti-Drug Campaign

| CA, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(In college, I am roommates with several friends who decide one day to take a certain hallucinogenic substance. I and another friend of mine are the sober babysitters, although halfway through the night the other friend bails and leaves me the sole person to keep four people safe.)

Friend #1: “Holy crap! There are zombies outside!”

Me: “What? No… no there aren’t, honey. Those are just people. We live in a busy neighborhood.”

Friend #1: “Those. Are. Zombies. I need to go find something to use as a weapon, and then I’m going out there. I ain’t going down without a fight!”

Me: “Uh… no! No you can’t do that! They’re like… 28 Days Later zombies. They’re super-fast!” *seeing the look of panic on her face* “BUT! They’re crazy stupid. Sooo stupid. They don’t even know what a house is, so if we just keep the door shut and stay in the house, we’re totally good.”

Friend #1: “Oh… okay!” *smiles*

Friend #2: “I’ll be the Godzilla of Cheez-Its. You can be the Mothra of Cheez-its, and we’ll battle it out!”

Me: “Um… sure?”

Friend #3: “I get it now.”

Me: “Get what?”

Friend #3: “The bond between you and [Boyfriend]. It’s like me and these burgers… unshakable.”

Friend #4: *rips 4th of July wristband off and stomps on it* “It’s the man! He’s trying to keep me doooooown! You can’t win MAN!” *takes stomped wristband and throws it into a glass of water* “What’re you gonna do NOW?!”

Friend #1: “Zombies!”

Friend #2: “Cheez-it Godzilla!”

Friend #3: “Burgers!”

Friend #4: “The Man!”

To Catch A Mermaid Requires (Jail)Bait

| Winston-Salem, NC, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My friends and I are discussing the age of Disney Characters.)

Me: “Prince Eric is 16.”

Friend: “Prince Eric does not look like a 16 year old. If there were 16 year olds that looked like Prince Eric, I would be in jail.”

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