Putting The Worst Into Bratwurst

| FL, USA | Friendly | April 26, 2014

Friend: “You know what bugs me?”

Me: “What?”

Friend: “You know how they’ll have those commercials for big d*** pills and they always call it ‘natural male enhancement’?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Friend: “That always gets me thinking. If they have to call it natural male enhancement, they must be trying to distinguish it from un-natural male enhancement.”

Me: “Un-natural male enhancement? What would that be?”

Friend: “I dunno. Where they staple a hot dog to the end of it?”

Me: “… Well. I know what I’m not having for lunch.”

Would Rather Be At Death’s Door

| Scotland | Friendly | April 25, 2014

(My friend and I are talking. Our conversations usually take obscure turns. For some reason we end up discussing circumcision.)

Friend: “Yeah, my brother is circumcised.”

Me: “Why?”

Friend: “He got trapped in a door.”

A Casual Remark To A Formal Request

| CO, USA | Friendly | April 25, 2014

(I am friends with a boy at school who never seems to wear anything but formal suits, even though it is a public school with no uniform.)

Me: “So, do you even own any casual clothes?”

Boy: “Casual clothes are for casual people.”

A Few Holes In Their Knowledge, Part 2

| NY, USA | Friendly | April 25, 2014

(I’m over at my friend’s house. We have a mutual acquaintance who generally treats us poorly, so we don’t speak to her much. However, she likes to be the center of attention and often tells rather personal stories to keep things focused on her.)

Friend: “Hey, did you hear what happened with [Acquaintance] and [Acquaintance’s boyfriend]?”

Me: “What happened? Did they have a fight?”

Friend: “No, but [Acquaintance] said that she and [Acquaintance’s boyfriend] tried to have sex last weekend!”

Me: “What do you mean ‘tried?'”

Friend: “Well, they were at his place and got their clothes off, and he looks at her and says ‘where do I put it?'”

Me: “Okay. That’s not so bad, I guess. Didn’t [Acquaintance] say he went to [Catholic school with notoriously poor sex education class]?”

Friend: “Yeah, but that’s not even the best part! She didn’t know either!”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Friend: “Yeah! She made him Google it!”

Playing Devil’s Advocate

| LA, USA | Friendly | April 24, 2014

(My father served a Mormon mission down in Louisiana for two years. This happened during their “preparation day,” which is the one day of each week dedicated to buying groceries, visiting the area, etc. He and his missionary companion enter a mall, and, near the doors, there’s a kiosk where members of another Christian denomination talk to people about their beliefs. Upon seeing the two Mormons come in with their suits and name badges, the group of other Christians suddenly rush out of their kiosk and surround my dad. One of them puts his hand on my dad’s forehead.)

Other Christian: “Satan, I command you to leave this body!”

(My dad pauses for an instant, before making his limbs outstretched and stiff, staring at the man who did the ‘exorcism’ with wide eyes.)

Dad: *in the darkest, lowest, most demonic voice he can muster* “IT DIDN’T WORK.”

(The group actually cowered in fear. My dad’s companion couldn’t stop laughing!)

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