(I’m in the middle of a conversation with a friend:)

Me: “…but I’m not sure about that phraseology.”

Friend: “Is ‘phraseology’ a word?”

Me: “Um… yes.”

Friend: “Well, I’ve never heard it.”

Me: “The things that neither you nor I know would fill several large volumes of encyclopedias.”

Friend: “Yes, all right…”

(My family, a total of 18 people, has taken a trip to Italy over the summer to visit sights and to see other family. My youngest cousin, seven years old, who, already with a ‘boyfriend,’ has brought back a trinket for him. She tells my mother the following story:)

Cousin: *upon seeing her boyfriend the first day of school* “I got this for you, all the way in Florence!”

(She hands him a small, wooden Pinocchio figurine. Her boyfriend thanks her.)

Cousin: *the following day* “Where’s what I gave you?”

Boyfriend: “I didn’t like it, so I gave it to my mom.”

Cousin: “Oh. Well, I didn’t like it either, so that’s why I gave it to you.”

(My cousin has a history of pulling wisdom from beyond her years, but this is my favorite so far. She dumped her boyfriend of one school year the same day!)

(I’m playing a popular simulation game and decide to make me and my housemates in the game. Their interactions are uncanny, and one housemate particularly enjoys watching them as I play. One day, she asks me to get her an in-game partner. It’s worth noting that for the past couple of years, she’s had terrible luck with real life relationships, including some stalking behavior from her most recent ex.)

Me: “So, what kind of partner do you want?”

Housemate: “The maid is pretty. What about her?”

(It takes about two game-days for the characters to fall completely in love, and on the third day…)

Me: “Er, [Housemate], it looks like your girlfriend quit her job. We have a new maid.”

Housemate: “That’s weird. Can I see her anyway?”

Me: “I can’t find her anywhere! She’s not even in your relationship panel anymore. I don’t know how to tell you this… but I think your girlfriend skipped town.”

Housemate: “What?! Well, that’s just… typical.” *pouts*

(I wound up creating her a new partner and making her part of our household so nothing like that would happen again. The weirdest part was about a week later, when her ex suddenly reappeared in the game as a maid, wandered into our house, poked around, and then left, this time for good. She couldn’t be interacted with. My housemate was muttering “F***ing typical” the whole time!)

(My roommate is Australian and my boyfriend and I are Canadian. We have another roommate who’s Taiwanese and has to leave the country soon because his visa is expiring.)

Aussie: “You could marry [Taiwanese Roommate] and then he could stay.”

Me: “I don’t want to marry him. [Boyfriend], you marry him.”

Aussie: “What?”

Me: “Sure, why not. I wouldn’t mind.”

Aussie: “You guys have gay marriage?”

Me: “It’s been legal in this province for thirteen years. You guys don’t have it in Oz?”

Aussie: “No.”

Me: “Really? Why not? That’s so weird.”

Boyfriend: “Sweetie, not everywhere is Canada.”

Me: “I know, but they’re Australia! They’re like the Canada of the southern hemisphere.”

Aussie: “Nah, that’s New Zealand.”

Me: “Does NZ have gay marriage?”

Aussie: “I think so, yeah.”

Me: “Okay, then. Canada will hang with them until you guys get your act together.”

(I do balloon twisting and magic a grand opening event. A mom and grandmother came up to get a card.)

Mom: “We wanted this because the balloon you made my kid wasn’t good enough, and he’s crying.”

(The kid asked for, received, and was very happy with what he got 15 minutes earlier.)

Mom: “We just needed your info so we knew who to sue because of this.”

(I stare for five seconds, and then laugh.)

Me: “Tell you what. You call me anytime you want, and I will help you fill out whatever paperwork is needed to take me to court because I want to be there when the judge calls you an idiot for suing over a free balloon animal. Seriously, I’ll even pay any filing charges.”

(The triumphant looks on their faces soon left when they realized that the ruse they probably used to get free stuff all the time wasn’t going to work, and they were stupid to try said ruse in this particular situation.)