(Playing softball, I’m standing on first base while Friend is batting. She fouls off over my head toward the parking lot. It’s heading for a familiar car…)

Me: “Thanks, [Friend]!”

(It left a dent in the hood, but I don’t really care. We’re still best friends. Six months later… I’m parked on the street at Friend’s house, behind her car. We’re about to go to the store together, and she plans to drive.)

Friend: *jokingly* “Oh, look, some yahoo is parked behind me.”

(We get in the car and she starts backing up. I think she’ll turn the wheel at some point, but then realize that she’s backing up out of habit and has forgotten I’m parked there.)

Me: *half-second of gibberish*

(CRUNCH.)

Friend: *turns slowly and looks guiltily at me*

Me: *sigh* “Why do you hate my car?”

(Nothing worse than a bent license plate happened to the cars. Three years later I married Friend. I still watch out when my car is parked behind hers.)

(I run a weekly gaming group with several of my friends, similar to D&D. We always get a bit silly, but this one takes the cake.)

Me: “Your characters are woken up in the middle of the night by a band of ghostly bandits riding upon your camp on undead horses.”

Player #1: “I grab my bow and get ready to shoot them!”

Player #2: “I’m going to start casting a spell!”

Player #3: “I want to dismount one of the riders!”

Me: “Okay, how are you going to do that?”

Player #3: “I’m going to punch his horse as it gets to me.”

Me: “Wait… what?”

Player #3: “Yeah. I want to punch his horse so it will buck and knock him off.”

Me: “I’m just picturing that scene from Blazing Saddles now.” *the rest of the group chuckles a bit*

Player #3: “Well, can I do it?”

Me: *sighs* “Yeah, I guess. Roll to hit.”

Player #3: *rolls* “I hit him, right?”

Me: “Yeah, you punch the horse.” *the penny drops and I start laughing*

Player #3: “What is it?”

Me: “You’re literally beating a dead horse!”

(The entire room broke into hysterics for a while before we could get the game going again. And for the record, his plan didn’t work.)

(My city has an annual firework show during the 4th of July weekend. Being the biggest show in the state, it is always packed, with people sitting almost shoulder-to-shoulder just to see the show. After the show ends, my fiancé and I are in amongst the crowd waiting to get through a bottleneck caused by a narrow opening in a fence, when a man sticks his hand out in front of me, nearly hitting me in the face.)

Man: “Hey, there’s a lady with a baby trying to get through here!”

(The lady pushes her stroller in front of my fiancé and me, trying to cut sideways through the rest of the crowd who has now had to stop so that she can get through.)

Lady: “THANK you. I just can’t believe some people, you know? It’s ridiculous how entitled they get!”

(The man begins to agree with the woman and they both stand there, talking about how rude people are for not letting this woman (one of hundreds of mothers with children) through. Irritated at this point for having to stop and almost getting hit in the face by a random person, as well as frustrated with the woman’s attitude, I speak up:)

Me: “It’s not like there’s a CROWD here or anything.”

(At this moment, the crowd starts moving so my fiancé and I move forward. About 20 seconds later, we hear the woman from behind us:)

Lady: “THAT’S WHY YOU F***ING MOVE!”

(I’m about eight years old. My family and I are at a soccer game, cheering on our team. I’m chewing on some bubble gum and trying to blow bubbles with it. Since I haven’t yet mastered the art, I resort to covering my mouth with it and blowing. Suddenly, a man I don’t know gets in my face.)

Man: *rudely* “Chewing gum is supposed to be INSIDE your mouth.”

(Then he just left, leaving me somewhat confused.)

(I’m out eating sushi with my friend and her sister. We’re almost done with our meal.)

Sister: “[Friend], do you want this nigiri?”

Friend: “No, I’m full. I can’t eat anymore.”

Sister: “[My Name], do you want it?”

Me: “No, you can have it.”

Sister: “But I don’t want the rice. Just the shrimp on top.”

Me: “I don’t even like shrimp, so it’s fine.”

Sister: “It’s okay that I’m not eating the whole thing?”

Me: “Of course! Eat it!”

Sister: “You’re sure?”

(She’s very hesitant, but she slowly brings the shrimp to her mouth, watching my expression. I smile and nod, encouraging her to eat it, so she finally does.)

Me: “[Sister], how could you be so SHELLFISH?”

Friend & Sister: “[My Name]!”