Cell Your Life Away

Petaluma, CA, USA | Friendly | January 20, 2014

(My eight-year-old daughter has been begging for a cell phone, and is jealous of her 11-year-old friend who just got her first cell, an older iPhone. My husband and I take them both to a local farm.)

Me: “[Friend], your phone’s falling out of your pocket; you should have left it in the car.”

Friend: “But I’m taking pictures of the kittens.”

Me: “I guess that’s reasonable.”

Daughter: “And her mom called her.”

Me: “Oh, why’d she call?”

Friend: “She just wanted to make sure we got here.”

Me: “Nope, we sold you to sea traders.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Daughter: “Mom? If we do sell her, can I have her phone?”

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Down Blunder, Part 2

| Bucharest, Romania | Friendly | December 31, 2013

(I’m a rather multinational person. So far I have lived in four countries at 15 years of age. I am moving from the third to the fourth country. I’m going around getting my shirt signed. My friend is one year above me, and from France, but has lived in Romania for most of her life.)

Friend: “Hey. I heard you were leaving! Can I sign your shirt too?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead. Here’s a pen.”

Friend: “Thanks. So, where are you going?”

Me: “Vienna.”

Friend: “Ooh, I’ve always wanted to learn Italian.”

Me: “What?”

Friend: *condescending* “Italian? The language they speak in Italy?”

Me: “Oh, you’re thinking of Venice. No, I’m going to Vienna, as in the capital of Austria.”

Friend: “Oh, of course! Sorry. I’m not that great at Geography.”

Me: “Oh, that’s fine. I’ve been getting that all day. Vienna does sound an awful lot like Venice.”

Friend: “Okay. I’ve finished the picture!”

Me: “Great. See you.” *walks away*

(Later…)

Other Friend: “Who drew a kangaroo on your shirt?!”

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Down Blunder

Biology 101, One On One

| LA, USA | Friendly | September 10, 2013

(I’m stretched out on my boyfriend’s bed, burrowed under the covers, and he’s sitting at his desk, adding the finishing touches to an English paper. His roommate pokes his head into the room.)

Roommate: “You’re not done with that essay yet? I thought you said it you were nearly finished.”

Boyfriend: *without looking away from the computer* “Yeah but [my name] came over and we had a biology lesson.”

Roommate: *confused* “I thought she wasn’t in college?”

Me: *giggle*

Roommate: “What? I thought you weren’t a student!”

Me: *laughing harder* “I’m not!”

Roommate: “Then why did you have a biology lesson with [boyfriend’s name]? I know you’re too old to be in high school!”

Boyfriend: *shakes his head* “Dude, you’re in college. If you don’t get what I’m trying to say, I can’t help you.”

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Abstain From The Abstinence

| USA | Friendly | August 19, 2013

(My school gets the full range of sexual education, including abstinence and safe sex. I end up missing the abstinence part of it so my classmates are filling me in.)

Friend #1: “You are so lucky! First they had a speaker come in and tell us why it’s bad to have sex.”

Friend #2: “Yeah, then they handed out these little coin things. I already lost mine.”

Friend #1: “Then they made us learn about STDs. There was a slideshow with PICTURES!”

Friend #2: “It was so awful! I almost puked! You are lucky you missed it.”

Me: “You mean… you guys would rather have four of your teeth surgically removed than see that slide show?”

Friends #1 & #2: “YES!”

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Maybe He Was Hit In The Head After All

| IL, USA | Friendly | August 3, 2013

(My friends and I are sitting at our regular lunch table, when some nearby jocks start yet another food fight. One of them throws a fruit cup that just misses my friend’s head, and instead hits his bottle of soda.)

Friend: “Th-this Tampico bottle… it saved my life.”

Me: “It was just a fruit cup; I wouldn’t necessarily say it saved your—”

Friend: “Tampico never forget!”

Me: “Dude, calm down. It’s just a bottle—”

Friend: “TAMPICO NEVER FORGET!”

(Another friend decides to intervene.)

Other Friend: “Maybe it’s just best to let him have his moment.”

(Our friend runs out of cafeteria, holding the bottle in his hand raised triumphantly above his head.)

Friend: “TAMPICO NEVER FORGET!”

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