(Friends and I are discussing sleeping habits. I am the token big-boobed friend and get teased about it.)

Me: “I tend to sleep on my stomach.”

Friend: “How can you sleep on your stomach with those boobs? Where do you put them?”

Me: “That’s what armpits are for; I’ve just got to remember they are there before I try to roll over.”

(I’m sitting in our suite on a rainy day watching TV when Suitemate #1 storms in soaking wet.)

Suitemate #1: *pissed off* “You’re such an a**-hole, [My Name].”

Me: *sarcastically* “What did I do this time?”

Suitemate #1: “You didn’t tell me your f****** umbrella was broken and I got soaked. Just look at me.”

Me: “That’s cool, [Suitemate #1].”

Suitemate #1: *serious* “You need to throw away your broken s***, man, or at least tell me so I don’t use it. I need a shower now and you owe me for laundry on these wet clothes, you a**-hole.” *storms off*

(Suitemate #2 comes in.)

Suitemate #2: “Who gave him permission to use your umbrella?”

Me: “Not me.”

Suitemate #2: “I’m so sorry, man.”

Me: “Oh, I could not care less. Serves him right for stealing things out of my room.”

(Just for the record, I didn’t pay for Suitemate #1’s laundry. He was mad that I didn’t tell him about the umbrella but I guess the fact that I had bought a new one while he had gone shopping with me wasn’t enough of a hint for him.)

(I like to crochet tiny toys which I then take to the local hospital where my sister works and give them out to kids, who are either patients or visiting sick family members, to make them feel better. I’ve just given some to a pair of children in the ER when a woman approaches me.)

Woman: “Excuse me; I saw you were giving out toys to the children. My daughter has already been discharged, but she’d like to know if she can still have one?”

Me: “Of course she can have one!”

(She leads me to her daughter, who is with her dad and waiting for the okay to leave, and I let her choose a toy from my box. She picks a tiny octopus.)

Woman: “Now what do you say?”

Girl: “Thank you!”

Woman’s Husband: *jokingly* “You say, ‘Thanks for the octopus, b****!’”

(His wife then started smacking him with her purse, hard. I was laughing too hard to be offended.)

(I’m in a convenience store getting a drink. A small boy, maybe four years old, and his mom are beside me.)

Kid: *loudly* “MOOOOM. What did it mean when you told [Aunt] that you got laid last night?”

Mom: “That wasn’t a conversation for you. I’ll explain when you are older.”

Kid: *starts running around the store telling everyone* “My mom got laid last night. She had orgasms!”

(I’ve taken my children to the zoo. We’re standing in front of the ring-tailed lemur exhibit. My four-year-old daughter is very familiar with this animal thanks to the TV show “Wild Kratts,” which dedicated several episodes to lemurs. Another family approaches.)

Mom: *from other family* “Look, Tyler, it’s a monkey.”

Four-Year-Old: “Actually, it’s a lemur.”

Mom: “No, sweetie, it’s a monkey. Just look at it.”

Four-Year-Old: “It’s a ring tailed lemur, and it’s not a monkey. It’s from Madagascar.”

Mom: *to me* “Kids are so cute when they think they know everything.”

Me: “So are adults. You should read the sign.”

Mom: “Hm? Oh, it’s a… ring tailed… Look over there, a parrot!”

Four-Year-Old: “That’s a cockatoo.”

(I love my little know-it-all.)