It’s A Dead End Job

| USA | Friendly | June 20, 2014

Me: “Oh, one of my career matches is forensic scientist!”

Friend: “Ooh, really? I’d kill to be a forensic scientist…”

That Smell Is Villainous

| CA, USA | Friendly | June 20, 2014

(My friend and I are roommates. I had just finished using the restroom and he’s about to head in for a shower.)

Me: “I wouldn’t go in there for a bit.”

Roommate: “Is it bad?”

Me: “Bad enough to give you super powers.”

Roommate: “I’m going to go get super powers, then.”

(Seconds later, he walks out of the bathroom.)

Me: “Didn’t you want to get super powers?”

Roommate: “They’re not worth that.”

Instrumental In Their Own Ignorance

| Sheffield, England, UK | Friendly | June 19, 2014

(I am on my way to an orchestra rehearsal with my double bass. When I approach the bus stop, pretty much everyone sitting down jumps up and makes space for me, which is much appreciated. Once I am settled, one of the people who’d got up sits back down next to me and nods at my bass.)

Stranger: “Wow, that’s a pretty big cello. You must be really strong to carry that around all day!”

Me: “Haha, thanks, but I’m afraid this is a double bass. I’d love to learn the cello too, though. My sister learns it, and—”

Stranger: “No, no, I’m sure of it- that’s definitely a cello. You into that classical music, then? I really love… I really love [famous violin piece]. Yeah. That’s a cello thing, isn’t it? Do you play that?”

Me: “Well, no, but—”

(Just then, one of the actual cellists in my orchestra shows up. I breathe a sigh of relief, hoping that I can finally get it through this guy’s head that what I have is a bass. Unfortunately…)

Stranger: “Oh, look! A violin-playing friend for you!”

Now I’m Just Dying To Know

| Atlanta, GA, USA | Friendly | June 19, 2014

(I’m driving a friend to the bank and we’re sitting in the turning lane at an intersection. Our light turns green, but an old man picks that very moment to cross the street, forcing me to wait for him to pass. The car behind me, meanwhile, is blaring the horn trying to get me to move.)

Me: “Impatient b******! I’m waiting for this old man to pass rather than just drive on and hit him. I don’t want another death on my conscience.”

Friend: “Another death?”

Me: *pretending to be ashamed* “Um… I don’t like to talk about it.”

Shady People

| Friendly | June 19, 2014

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