(I like to crochet tiny toys which I then take to the local hospital where my sister works and give them out to kids, who are either patients or visiting sick family members, to make them feel better. I’ve just given some to a pair of children in the ER when a woman approaches me.)

Woman: “Excuse me; I saw you were giving out toys to the children. My daughter has already been discharged, but she’d like to know if she can still have one?”

Me: “Of course she can have one!”

(She leads me to her daughter, who is with her dad and waiting for the okay to leave, and I let her choose a toy from my box. She picks a tiny octopus.)

Woman: “Now what do you say?”

Girl: “Thank you!”

Woman’s Husband: *jokingly* “You say, ‘Thanks for the octopus, b****!’”

(His wife then started smacking him with her purse, hard. I was laughing too hard to be offended.)

(I’m in a convenience store getting a drink. A small boy, maybe four years old, and his mom are beside me.)

Kid: *loudly* “MOOOOM. What did it mean when you told [Aunt] that you got laid last night?”

Mom: “That wasn’t a conversation for you. I’ll explain when you are older.”

Kid: *starts running around the store telling everyone* “My mom got laid last night. She had orgasms!”

(I’ve taken my children to the zoo. We’re standing in front of the ring-tailed lemur exhibit. My four-year-old daughter is very familiar with this animal thanks to the TV show “Wild Kratts,” which dedicated several episodes to lemurs. Another family approaches.)

Mom: *from other family* “Look, Tyler, it’s a monkey.”

Four-Year-Old: “Actually, it’s a lemur.”

Mom: “No, sweetie, it’s a monkey. Just look at it.”

Four-Year-Old: “It’s a ring tailed lemur, and it’s not a monkey. It’s from Madagascar.”

Mom: *to me* “Kids are so cute when they think they know everything.”

Me: “So are adults. You should read the sign.”

Mom: “Hm? Oh, it’s a… ring tailed… Look over there, a parrot!”

Four-Year-Old: “That’s a cockatoo.”

(I love my little know-it-all.)

(It is winter. I have newspaper route and while waiting for my papers, I run into a lady trying to get to a resort on the Idaho-Montana state line.)

Me: “Where are you trying to get to?”

Lady: “Lookout Pass.”

Me: “You need to go back eastbound to Montana about 50 miles.”

Lady: “I’m in Montana.”

Me: “No, you are in Rose Lake, Idaho.”

Lady: “No, I haven’t gone that far.”

Me: “Didn’t you see the ‘Welcome to Idaho’ sign? Or the Wallace, or Kellogg city signs?”

Lady: “No, there wasn’t any “Welcome to Idaho” sign and Wallace and Kellogg are in Montana.”

Me: “Do you know where you are now?”

Lady: “Yes, Rose Lake, Montana. Lady, you have no clue where you are nor do you have no clue on how to give directions.”

(At that point I just gave up and just left her.)

Friend: “Hey can you like my status on Facebook? Nobody has liked it yet.”

(Annoyed but willing to indulge her I look up her post and then stare at her.)

Me: “You posted this five minutes ago and ten people have already liked it.”

Friend: “It’s not enough.”

Me: “Are you really so desperate that you have to ask people to like your statuses?”

Friend: “People need to know I’m funny!”