(I know a lot of people through volunteering. It is summer, so everyone is currently going away.)
Colleague: “So I’ll be gone for the next three weeks.”
Me: “Cool, have fun! Where are you going? Prison? ;-)”
(No reply. A month later we happen to meet again.)
Me: “Hey, how was prison?”
Colleague: “Boring. What else do you expect prison to be?”
Me: “Wait, what?”
(Turns out I’m good at guessing and bad at jokes.)
(I live in a complex that I also work in, as does my boss. I live in a block of units with my husband and territorial cat that does not ever go outside. There is a man upstairs who has an intact female cat that I often go say hello to. My boss lives about 150 metres away with a tom cat that never stays inside. I was having this conversation with my boss.)
Me: “You know, you should probably keep [Tomcat] inside sometimes… even just at night time. I’ve seen him get into trouble a couple of times, nearly get hit by cars, and he has so many scars from all the fights he has been in. Also, while I don’t want to make this personal, he keeps trying to visit [Upstairs Cat] and [My Cat] takes exception to that… Loudly… usually at four am…”
Boss: “Yeah, people keep telling me that! I’m not sure what they are complaining about. I kept him inside for a month and people stopped complaining so I let him out again.”
Me: “…”
(I still can’t figure her logic.)
(My friend is playing Pokémon. His level 7 Tepig is almost “dead,” but the Pokémon he is facing is level 2. My friend decides to catch the Pokémon.)
Friend: *throwing Pokéball* “Imma catch him so that I have him in my pokédex.”
Me: “What’s the bet he escapes? Ping! Ping!” *Imitating the Pokéball noise* “Ping!”
(The Pokémon escapes.)
Friend: “Oh, my god. You did it.”
(My sister has invited me on a weekend trip with her and some of her friends. I don’t know a lot of them well so am a little withdrawn, but they draw me out of my shell even though I’m still a little awkward. They are a mishmash of people from different states; my sister and I are native Oregonians. One of these friends, Friend #1, is from Chicago, and is excited about all of the wildlife.)
Friend #1: *worriedly* “But what about bears?”
Me: “Bears are no big deal.”
Friend #1: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah, it’s not hard to scare them off.”
Friend #1: “That’s a relief!”
Friend #2: *from Montana* “Yeah, since Oregon has so few grizzlies, it’s not really too much of a concern. There are eight of us, after all. They wouldn’t try to mess with us.”
Friend #1: “Wait, really? The way [My Name] was talking, I thought that if we were attacked by a bear, she’d fight it off with her bare hands.”
Friend #2: “Yeah, I mean, she would probably scare it off by herself, but we should still stick together if we see one.”
Friend #1: *to me* “You were so confident that if we saw a bear, I was just going to hide behind you.”
Me: “…thank you?”
(I’m flattered that they think I could literally fight a bear, I guess?)
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(My mom is trying to get hold of me, but accidentally dials the wrong number. She is surprised when an unfamiliar man answers, but asks for me anyway because she thinks it might be a friend of mine answering my phone.)
Mom: “Hello, is [My Name] there?”
Horrible Man: “[My Name]?”
Mom: “Yes.”
Horrible Man: “Oh, didn’t you hear? [My Name] died!”
Mom: *horrified* “What?!”
Horrible Man: *laughing* “Figure it out, b****.” *hangs up*
(My mom immediately hung up the phone and tried my number again. Unfortunately, I was painting my house and didn’t hear my phone ringing. Panicking, she finally got hold of my very confused boyfriend who was able to pass the phone off to me. Some people are really sick. Seriously, Horrible Man… “You have the wrong number” would have worked just fine. I hope you step on a Lego barefoot every day for the rest of your life.)
