(I am just getting out of the car after arriving home to pick up my roommate. His mom and her boyfriend are in the car. I’ve noticed that my [brand] candy somehow went missing. I am female and 20 years old.)
Me: “Man, I lost my cherry candy!”
(Both get quiet in the front seat.)
Me: “What? I lost my candy.”
(They start to laugh.)
Boyfriend: “Oh, we thought you said you lost your cherry.”
(Our friend was born male, but has been living as a woman most of the time I’ve known her. She is temporarily living with our family. She tends to sleep during the day while the rest of us are awake, so I am explaining how to use earplugs.)
Me: “Earplugs are like tampons: when you have them in right, you don’t feel them.”
Friend: “I’ve never used tampons.”
Me: “Oh, did you use pads?”
Friend: “Think about what you just said for a minute.”
Me: “Oh! I totally forgot that you weren’t born female!”
Friend: “Most. Awkward. Compliment. Ever.”
(In our close knit community, newly married couples almost always start a family right away. So when a couple has been married several years with no children, we assume this is unintentional and we worry about them. I run into a friend and her husband on a street corner.)
Friend #1: “Have you seen [Friend #2] yet?”
Me: “No, I haven’t.”
Friend #1: *excitement coloring her voice* “You have to see [Friend #2]!”
Me: “Really?! That’s great news!”
Friend #1: “I know. I was so excited, I was practically jumping for joy!”
(Meanwhile, my friend’s husband is standing there laughing at us for sharing news without actually sharing news. Sure enough, when I saw Friend #2 later that night, she was quite obviously expecting!)
(I overhear two ladies in casual conversation.)
Customer #1: “I don’t know why she is even still friends with you.”
Customer #2: “Oh, she thinks she just fell down the stairs. She doesn’t know I pushed her!”
(A good friend of mine turns 21 soon, and we are discussing what wines she wants to celebrate. It should be noted we are both fans of ‘Doctor Who.’)
Friend: “By the way, I need to run to the store to get a screwdriver.”
Me: “For what?”
Friend: “The wine! Wait… I mean a sonic screwdriver!”
Me: *trying not to laugh* “Does it work on grapes?”
Friend: “Blargh! A sonic corkscrew!”
Me: “Closer, but if this is sober you, drunk you is going to be hilarious!”
