(A group of friends and I are discussing unusual laws.)

Me: “In Pacific Grove it is illegal to molest butterflies.”

Friend: “It brings a whole new meaning to ‘follow the butterflies.'”

Me: “Apparently, [Friend] is into bestiality.”

Friend: “Of the most delicate kind.”

(My brother’s wedding is this weekend. He and I, along with his best man and another friend of his, have gone to a mall in Jacksonville to pick up our tuxedos. As we all try them on to test them, the clerk comes out to examine things.)

Tux Rental Clerk: “Is everybody all set? Nothing too tight or too slack anywhere? No missing items?”

(We all confirm that our outfits are perfect.)

Tux Rental Clerk: “Great. Now I’d like you all to just walk around in them for a little while. Make sure everything feels right, you know?”

Brother: “Walk around in the store? It’s kind of crowded.”

Tux Rental Clerk: “You can step out into the mall; just don’t go too far away. Stay up here on the second floor.”

(The four of us go walking out of the store in our tuxedos.)

Best Man: “Hey, [Brother], we could just go back to the car and not pay for these.”

Brother: “Heh. He has our credit card numbers already, remember?”

Best Man: “Can’t blame a dude for tryin’.”

Me: “You know, we’re kind of like the Reservoir Dogs right now.”

Brother: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You know, a bunch of guys just strutting around in suits like we own the place. Everyone looking at us.”

(People shopping on the second floor of the mall are, in fact, staring at us. At that moment, a woman with an expensive-looking purse and a little boy comes walking right up to us.)

Woman: “Excuse me, but… are you guys a singing quartet?”

Me: “Uh, n—”

Best Man: “We sure are!”

Brother: *snickering* “Yup.”

Other Friend: “Heh, yeah. We’re called the Reservoir Dogs.”

Woman: “Oh, wonderful! My son’s birthday party is next week and I was looking for a musical group to perform!”

Brother: “This little guy right here?”

Woman: “Yes, [Son] will be six years old. There will be about 30 guests, and it’s a four-hour gig.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think—”

Brother: “WELLLL, our schedule for next week is pretty open.”

Woman: “Fantastic! Do you suppose you could perform a little something right now?”

Me: “We couldn’t—”

Other Friend: “We’d love to! Wouldn’t we, guys?”

Brother & Best Man: “Definitely.”

(I’m not sure whether I want to vomit or punch all three of them right in the face.)

Brother: “Right, let’s do it just like we practiced.” *singing* “We both lie silently still in the dead of the night. Although we both lie close together, we feel miles apart inside.”

Best Man: *singing* “Was it something I said or something I did? Did my words not come out right? Though I tried not to hurt you, though I tried. But I guess that’s why they say…”

(Both of them are awful singers, and I grit my teeth, knowing what’s next.)

All Four Of Us: *singing* “Every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn, just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song, every rose has its thorn!”

Woman: *face crinkling in disgust* “That was some of the worst singing I’ve ever heard. You guys are completely awful! I wouldn’t hire you if you were the last singers on Earth!”

Brother: *snorting* “I guess you just can’t please some customers!”

(She turns up her nose at us and walks away.)

Me: “I take it back. The Reservoir Dogs would never have done something that uncool.”

(While studying abroad in England, we came across a sad-looking man holding a ‘Free Hugs’ sign. Feeling sorry for him because he looked lonely, I gave him a hug. Unfortunately, once he had his arms around me, he wouldn’t let go.)

Free Hugs Guy: “Mmm, you’re nice. You smell nice… like pink soap!” *begins trying to tickle me*

Me: “Um, sir, please let go of me. No, seriously. Let go now. Guys?! A little help?!”

(My friends are crying because they’re laughing so hard.)

Friend: “I am instagramming this right now. We’ll see who still has a boyfriend when she gets back to the States!”

(I am a fashion fan and a traveler. My signature collection is t-shirts from the places that I’ve traveled. In this case, I’m wearing my 9/11 Memorial t-shirt with “In the darkness we shine brightest” printed in the shape of the twin towers. My roommate is sitting across from me, looking confused.)

Roommate: “What are you wearing?”

Me: “My shirt from NYC and…” *I look down to check* “My Kate Spade rose-gold and pave-crystal idiom pendant.”

Roommate: “It looks like a disco ball came to the two towers…

Me: “That is such an inappropriate mental image!”

(Needless to say, I’ve never worn the two together again.)

(It’s the night before my 30th birthday, and I’m discussing my plans for the big day with friends. I am female and single.)

Friend #1: “You know; you could do what [Other Friend] did for his birthday.”

Friend #2: “What did he do?”

Me: “Came out of the closet and admitted that his roommate was his boyfriend.”

Friend #3: “Yup, I saw it coming.”

Friend #2: “I don’t think that’s really…”

(I turn very seriously to [Friend #1].)

Me: “Fine. It’s time you know. I LIKE BOYS. I’m never going to like girls. I LOVE BOYS.”

Friend #1: “I KNEW IT!”