(It’s a Friday night. I call up one of my friends I haven’t seen in a while.)
Me: “Hey, you want to come over tonight? We can make dinner, drink some wine…”
Friend: “Yeah! Sounds fun!”
Me: “Okay, see you in a few hours.”
(A few hours later…)
Friend: “Hey, [Other Friend] just asked me to hang out, and I think I’m just going to hang with them instead. Sorry!”
Me: “…”
(This is probably why I never see her.)
(While browsing tables at a yard sale with my mom, a lady taps my shoulder. I turn around.)
Lady: “Oh! It’s not you.”
Me: “Yes, it is!”
(My mum is on her break, talking with an elderly Italian man about culture.)
Mum: “The Greeks invented heaps of things. I’ve heard a few of them say they invented sex.”
Man: “Really! They can say they invented sex, but we Italians introduced it to women!”
(I’m talking with my best friend over IM about what he’s wearing to my upcoming wedding. He’s my ‘man of honor,’ but we’re basically eloping, so I’m not enforcing a dress code other than ‘dress nicely.’)
Me: “What are you wearing to my wedding?”
Friend: “I’m not sure yet. Why is there a theme or something? Do I need a Godzilla costume? I guess I’d be more of a Mecha-Godzilla. You would be Mothra and [Groom] would be Godzilla. [Best Man] and [His Wife] could be Gamora and the creepy recycling monster thing…”
(Fairly recently, my live-in boyfriend of five years broke up with me, citing that he never wanted to marry anybody or even be in a relationship. Within a matter of weeks, he has started dating a much younger girl: we’re 30, she’s 19. Though I’ve met her and she’s truly a perfectly lovely person, sometimes I get bitter and refer to her as ‘his 12-year-old w****.’ My ex contacts me to tell me he has proposed to her.)
Me: “So, I think I’m going to get [Ex]’s ’12-year-old w****’ an engagement present.”
Best Friend: “REALLY?!”
Me: “Yeah. I think she deserves a new Barbie doll for the occasion. They still make Bride Barbie, right?”
Best Friend: “Oh, my God, yes. The one that catches fire when she rollerblades through gasoline!”
Me: “THAT. That is why I love you.”
