(I am with four of my friends at a table. We are playing the game ‘Munchkins,’ an RPG. I have never played an RPG before and am very lost, while Friend #1 loves RPGs but hates this game, and Friend #2 almost always wins.)

Me: “I have no idea what I’m doing.”

Friend #1: “Here, let me see your cards.” *looks* “Play that one.”

Friend #2: “You can’t do that. That’s cheating!”

Friend #3: “It’s her first time. It’s fine.”

Friend #2: “All right, but if she wins I’ll be pissed.”

(We keep playing, and Friend #1 keeps helping me.)

Friend #2: “Why do I feel like you two are plotting against me?”

Friend #1: “Because I don’t care if I lose and my cards suck anyway. I just want you to lose and she has good cards.”

(I won. I still have no idea why or how!)

(I work downtown near one of the private religious universities. At least twice a week I am approached by members of one of their Christian outreach groups. I usually just smile and decline politely and go on my way, but this time they follow me to my bus stop.)

Girl: “Excuse me! Did you know that you have a holy mother and a holy father?”

Me: “No… A group of you tried to talk to me about this yesterday. I’m really not interested, thanks. My bus is going to be here soon.”

Girl: “Well, we’ll just talk while you wait! Are you a follower of Jesus Christ?”

Me: “No.”

Girl: “Oh. Well, do you believe in God?”

Me: “No.”

Girl: *disappointed* “Oh. Can I ask why not?”

Me: “You can ask, but it’s hard to explain. It wasn’t one thing. I was raised Christian, but over time I just realized I didn’t believe any of it. And that it’s far more likely that all religions are wrong than that there is one that happens to be right.”

Girl: “Well, have you read the Bible?”

Me: “Yes. Honestly, it’s part of the reason I’m an atheist.”

Girl: “Sometimes people read things but they really don’t UNDERSTAND them, you know? We have a great group and we’d love for you to come and learn more and help you understand the message of the Bible.”

Me: “Again, I’m really not interested. Thanks.”

Girl: “What if we gave you proof?”

Me: “Proof of what?”

Girl: “That the Bible is real.”

Me: “If you honestly think you can do that, then our definitions of ‘proof’ are very different.”

Girl: “Well, you believe in history, right?”

Me: “History is just past events. You don’t ‘believe’ or ‘not believe’ in—”

Girl: “Well, there’s historical things in the Bible! There’s real historical people and places in it! That’s proof right there for you!”

Me: “Yes, but there are also ‘historical things’ in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, and that doesn’t make it true.”

(The girl’s mouth drops as she tries to formulate a response. Fortunately, I was saved by the bus!)

(It is March, when apple varieties like ‘Pink Lady’ and ‘Pacific Rose’ are coming in from the southern hemisphere.)

Me: “Isn’t it trippy to think about how when we’re in springtime, far away in Australia they’re having their apple-picking season?”

Older Male Stranger: *knowingly* “Well, you know… now everything’s GENETIC…”

(It’s our lunch break, and we’re sitting in a classroom eating. My friend is a vegetarian.)

Girl: “Hey, [Friend], can you eat potatoes?”

Friend: *stares awkwardly at girl*

Me: “Uh, yeah. Potatoes are a vegetable.”

Girl: “They are?!”

Me: “Well, they’re certainly not meat!”

(I kept my hair pretty short in college. Despite that, I seemed to go through my supply of shampoo and conditioner after two weeks.)

Me: “I don’t know how I’m using so much. I have really short hair, and it’s just vanishing. You’re not using any of it are you?”

Roommate: “Nuh-uh. I use that anti-frizz stuff that has to sit in my hair for five minutes before I rinse. Maybe the bottles are leaking.”

(I decide to dye my hair blue next time I go to the store, and dump an extra bottle of fast-acting dye into my shampoo to help keep the color from fading so fast. The next day my roommate is taking one of her famously long showers…)

Roommate: *blood-curdling shriek*

Me: “What’s wrong?! Are you okay?!”

Roommate: “My HAIR!”

(She storms out of our bathroom to reveal her waist length, platinum blonde hair dyed with varying shades of teal.)

Me: “Oh, my god. You’ve been using my shampoo!”

Roommate: “Why is there blue dye in your shampoo?!”

Me: “Serves you right for using my stuff without asking, AND lying to me about it. You brought this on yourself.”

Roommate: “My parents are going to kill me!”

(Her parents weren’t very amused when they saw her, but at least she never used my shampoo again!)