(I am in hospital. A fellow ward-mate and I are fasting for two days waiting for surgery. My ward mate hasn’t smiled or laughed in days because she is in pain. A friend comes in to visit and the three of us are talking about how hungry we are.)
Me: “Maybe we should protest.”
Friend: “You could go on a hunger strike.”
(The only thing that saved him from a slap was the fact that my ward-mate was laughing so hard.)
(A coworker and I are planning on seeing the “Doctor Who” Fiftieth Anniversary Special. She’s out of the office today but has given me her cell phone number so that we can finalize our arrangements.)
Me: “Hey, this is [My Name]! I’m buying tickets now: standard or 3D?”
(A few seconds later, I realize that I transposed two digits in the phone number. I text again to apologize.)
Me: “Oh, I’m sorry! I have the wrong number.”
Stranger: “No problem. Have fun at the movie. And go for standard. 3D just isn’t quite worth the extra cost.”
Me: “But it’s Doctor Who! Thanks.”
Stranger: “Oh, well, then! Definitely, 3D! Spare no expense for Doctor Who!”
This story is part of our 3D Movies roundup!
Read the next 3D Movies roundup story!
Read the 3D Movies roundup!
(I’m at a natural history museum. Out of the corner of my eye I see a woman with a working dog come up next to me.)
Me: “Oh, he’s cute.”
Woman: “Yeah, I get that a lot.”
Me: “Too bad he’s working. I love pets.”
Woman: *suddenly very serious, with a warning tone* “Please, don’t.”
Me: *taken aback* “I’m… sorry?”
(Without any warning she suddenly drags the dog away from where I’m standing while glancing at me suspiciously.)
Onlooker: “What did you say to her?”
Me: “All I said was I liked pets. I didn’t say I wanted to pet her working dog! I know better than that!”
(What’s worse is our paths meet twice more that day. Each time she sees me she pulls the dog closer to her, almost dragging it to the floor the last time!)
(I’m leaving a clothing store and notice a fairly attractive young lady about to enter. Instead of letting the door swing shut I catch it and hold it open for her. Note that I do this for anybody about to follow me through a door.)
Woman: *smiling serenely* “Thanks…” *enters and turns around* “F****** chauvinistic pig!”
(I’m left stunned as she walks off.)
(My friend and I usually get together in the mornings before school starts to play cards in the school cafeteria with some of our mutual friends. One day my friend is exceptionally late arriving which is very unusual as he is usually the first one to arrive.)
Me: “Where on earth have you been? You’re late! That never happens.”
Friend: “House burned down.”
Me: *laughs* “No, really. Where have you been?”
Friend: “My house burned down.”
(Turned out his house really had burned down. Guess who spent the rest of the day feeling like a turd?)
