(I am visiting a friend I have not seen in several months. A few weeks earlier, I had broken up with my girlfriend about ten days before my old cat died.)
Friend: “How is your girlfriend?”
Me: “We broke up.”
Friend: “Aww… so… How is your cat?”
Me: “Dead.”
Friend: “Aww… so…” *fiddles awkwardly*
(I went to a high school in a relatively affluent area. By contrast, I am not. I’m leaving class with a friend. He’s obviously wealthy and always shows up to school wearing sweaters and khakis.)
Friend: “Let’s walk among the poor.”
Me: “Um, sure…”
(He and I walk through a crowded hallway, and he begins commenting on how everyone dresses helps define their financial status. I’m not a fan of this, but I don’t have many friends, so I stay silent.)
Friend: “Look, they’re everywhere… and the ones that wear those denim shorts? Don’t even get me started.”
Me: *glancing down, as I’m wearing them* “Let me guess? They show that you can’t get any poorer?”
Friend: “Yes, indeed.”
(He wasn’t my friend for very long after that.)
(I’ve found a picture online which encourages people to figure out what their ‘super power’ is based on the shirt they’re wearing. Being shirtless at the time, I joke that my power must be invisibility, and a few of my friends post their ‘super powers’ as well.)
Friend: “My shirt says Detroit on it…”
Me: “Dude, that means you’re ROBO-COP!”
(My hilarious and outspoken elderly neighbour has come for a visit. My kitchen is unusually tidy, except for three little drops of coffee on the floor.)
Neighbour: “You know, I was a lazy little hussy at your age, too.”
(We are having a party to celebrate a flatmate’s birthday. It being a large flat, there are nearly 25 people in our living room. It’s getting late, things are getting crazier, and with the alcohol a couple of my more artistic friends decide to start giving people ‘pen tattoos’ – an excuse to draw on people. Friend #1, male, is having a dragon drawn on his arm by Friend #2, female.)
Friend #1: “Hey, [Friend #1], what is it that Smaug says?”
Entire Room As One: “I AM FIRE! I AM DEATH!”
Friend #1: *laughing* “Write that on me, too!”
Friend #2: “And that’s how you know we’re friends.”
