(My friends and I are at my house after going out for dinner. We play games, laugh, and chat into the wee hours of the morning. By then, we are all very tired, but one friend in particular feels extra giddy.)

Friend: “I’m high on life. It’s the circle of life. I don’t want to be a circle. I don’t want to die and be eaten by gazelles!”

(There were no alcohol or drugs involved.)

(I’m heading out of a local park when I pass a homeless man just outside the exit.)

Homeless Man: “Excuse me, man. Could you help a brother out? I’m living on the street, and I don’t have any money. Can you help me get something to eat?”

Me: “Uh…”

Homeless Man: “I promise you, I just want some food. No booze or drugs or anything like that.”

Me: “Um… wait here. I’ll be right back.”

(I run off to a nearby sandwich shop and come back handing him a sub.)

Me: “Here you are, sir. One ham and cheese sub with lettuce, tomatoes, and mayonnaise.”

Homeless Man: “What? Mayonnaise? No dressing?”

Me: “Wow, really?”

(I work at a local television station. I am explaining to my friends that we receive satellite feeds of certain shows before they air on our station.)

Me: “So for game shows, I can watch the feed and know all the answers before you get to watch it!”

Friend: “So, do you know the lottery numbers ahead of time, too?”

Me: “…”

(My female friend is visiting me at my apartment. She is on her knees searching through all my video games. As she sits, her pants keep sliding down in the back which I repeatedly point out.)

Me: “[Friend], I can see your butt!”

Friend: “Why do you keep looking at my butt?”

Me: “Because your chest is flat.”

(My friend is preparing to go camping and discussing what he still needs to buy. We’re listening to music, and it’s a little hard to hear him.)

Friend: “I still gotta get a bug guard.”

Me: “A WHAT?!”

Friend: “A bug guard? You know, like a net for mosquitos?”

Me: “Oh! I thought you said “butt guard!””

Friend: “No… What? What is WRONG with you?! What kind of camping trip do you think this is?!”