(Where I live we don’t often get people in the street trying to convert you to their religion, so when a random woman walks up to me one day I assume that she’s lost and that the pamphlet in her hand is a map.)

Woman: “Hi.”

Me: “Hi. Can I help?”

Woman: “Do you have a moment to talk about Jesus?”

Me: “Uh, no, thanks. I’m kind of on my way somewhere.”

Woman: “All you need to do is open your heart! When was the last time you took ten minutes off your day to reflect and pray?”

Me: “Last night, actually.”

Woman: “Oh! But before that?”

Me: “The night before. I pray every day.”

Woman: “Wow. I guess you’re all good, then. If only more people were like you! God bless you!”

Me: “Gods bless you, too.”

Woman: “Sorry?”

Me: “Gods bless you. I’m a Hellenic polytheist.”

Woman: *backs away slowly*

(I have just moved to a new apartment within walking distance of the salon where my friend from church works. She volunteers to come over for an hour and help me unpack. I’m very grateful and after some deliberation, we decide to tackle my clothes boxes. She is an extremely stylish person who has given me courage to do things like get a pixie cut and color my hair darker and always makes me look amazing. We’ve gotten through my Sunday dresses and skirts while she pointed out ones that made me look skinnier or ones that I should wear more often. Then we get to my geeky t-shirts…)

Friend: “I had no idea your wardrobe was so cool!”

Me: “Thanks!”

Friend: “Why don’t I see you wear this stuff?”

Me: “Because we mostly see each other on Sunday and I wouldn’t wear a Yoda shirt to sacrament meeting?”

Friend: “That makes perfect sense in hindsight.”

(It’s Roommate #1’s turn to decide what to watch on television. He wants to watch the president’s speech. Roommate #2 is very snarky when it comes to politicians, whatever party they happen to be in. Earlier, Roommate #2 and I were talking about the sycophant problem in political parties.)

Roommate #2: “Who’s that white-haired butt-puppet sitting behind him nodding at everything he says?”

Roommate #1: “That’s our vice president…”

(I am five years old. I am at a friend’s house. My friend decides that she wanted a snack.)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name], do you want a brownie?”

Me: “No, thanks. I ate before I came over.”

Friend: “I really want one, but I don’t want to eat one alone.”

Me: “No, just have one without me. I’m fine.”

Friend: “Please?”

Me: “Fine, I guess.”

Friend: *calling down the stairs* “MOOOOOOM, [My Name] WANTS A BROWNIE!”

Me: “… SERIOUSLY?!”

(Her mom ended up making brownies for us. It’s been 16 years since then, and my friend, her mom, and I still joke about that.)

(I am moving out of an apartment where I live with several friends, and am trying to get someone to replace me on the lease. I put an ad out online, and find someone that my old roommates like. The lease transfer process involves her sending me a check for the security deposit she is taking over, and all of us signing a document saying we accept the switch.)

Me: “Hey, [New Girl], I’ve got all the signatures and everything ready to go. I’m just waiting for your check and then we’re good.”

New Girl: “Thanks! I can’t pay you right now because I just got some work done on my car, but ask me in two weeks.”

(Two weeks later I text her.)

Me: “Hi, [New Girl]. I just wanted to check with you on the security deposit check. Do you have the money now?”

(I go out to dinner with a friend, and suddenly get a flurry of text messages. I open them to find they’re all from New Girl.)

New Girl: “You don’t have to be such a b**** about it! No, for the record, I DON’T have your money and my uncle is sick and I can’t believe you’re doing this to me right now. You don’t even deserve to get the security deposit back! When I moved out of MY last place I had to just give the security deposit up and that’s the way it goes! I can’t believe you’re doing this! I don’t get money from mommy and daddy. I’m doing it all on my own! I NEED that money more than you do so why don’t you just back off!”

(A few minutes pass and she sends me another text.)

New Girl: “I called [Roommate] and she says the paperwork’s already turned in, so technically I don’t owe you anything. Haha. Oh, well. Better luck next time! See ya later!”

Me: “First off, my parents aren’t paying for anything for me either, so I don’t know where that’s coming from. Second, I actually never signed that document because I was waiting for payment. Now I’m seriously considering whether to sign it at all. I’ll talk with my roommates and figure out what we want to do.”

(Five minutes later, another text comes in.)

New Girl: “What was the account number you wanted that transferred to?”

(I did get the money, with her complaining all the while, and my old roommates still chose to live with her. Shockingly, it didn’t go well.)