(I am driving two of my friends through town to an event that begins at a specific time. One is in the passenger seat, and the other is behind him in the rear-passenger seat. Despite being in their early 30s, neither of them possesses a license of their own.)

Friend #1: *looking at the traffic building up ahead* “Wow, it’s really busy today. You don’t think we’re going to be late, do you?”

Friend #2: “Kinda wish we’d come out earlier, or we’re going to miss the start at this rate.”

Me: “Nah, we’ll be fine. The traffic’s just here because of the roadworks, and they’re only another couple of miles down this road, just before the roundabout. After that it’s all clear for the rest of the way.”

(Both of my friends glance at each other in the mirror, clearly looking astonished at my incredible ability to see into the future.)

Friend #2: “SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT!”

(I point out the window – to THEIR side of the car – at the bright yellow sign set up on the pavement that we’re slowly driving past. It details everything that I have just told them, including a simple picture of the roundabout itself.)

Me: “There’s been one of those things every 400 yards for the last four miles. Did you SERIOUSLY not see any of them?”

Friend #2: “Well, now I’m just disappointed that you’re not actually psychic…”

(My friend and I am sitting around chatting. I have very little vision in my right eye and am therefore effectively half blind.)

Friend: “You do know that you’re technically a Cyclops, right?”

Me: “That is the single, greatest compliment-slash-insult I have ever received.”

Coworker: *looking down at his phone* “Ugh. My friend’s been texting me every day to hang out, but I don’t want to.”

Me: “Why not?”

Coworker: “Well, he’s annoying, and he’s also oblivious about it. He never seems to realize that we’re annoyed.”

Me: “If you feel that way, why don’t you just stop being friends with him?”

Coworker: “No, no. I don’t want to stop being friends with him… I just want to never see him again.”

(It’s my friend’s birthday, so her boyfriend has bought her a large ice cream cake. She’s in the living room while he and I are in the kitchen getting things ready. The boyfriend is a bit of a pyromaniac.)

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Shoot. I want to put a whole bunch of sparklers on the cake, but they take so long to light. Here, you hold them all together in a bunch and I’ll light them.”

Me: “Dude, that’s really stupid.”

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Fine. I’LL hold them.”

(He discovers that the tips of the sparklers spread out if he holds them at the other end, so he grips them closer. His hand is barely an inch from the lighter.)

Me: “Seriously. This is bad-idea-bears territory.”

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Oh, it’ll be fine. See, everything’s— OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!”

(He drops the sparklers on the cake, partially melting it, and runs his hand under the faucet. I can already see a blister the size of a marble growing on his finger.)

Friend: *entering the kitchen* “What are you two DOING in here?”

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Um. Happy birthday, babe.”

(They got married a couple of years later. I wish I could say he learned his lesson, but the maid of honour gave them a fire extinguisher on the grounds that they would need it. They did.)

(We have some friends from Florida come down to visit. These are some strict business women. After showing them a great night my dad is driving them back to their hotel room because they’ve had just a ‘ittle’ too much wine.)

Woman #1: “That is the most fun I have had in some time.”

Woman #2: “I have my shoes in one hand, socks in the other, and lobster. I love Canada.”

Dad: “That wasn’t fun. In Canada, if you’ve had fun you have your shoes and socks in one hand, and your bra and panties in the other.”