(I am a mom helping my freshman daughter and four of her female classmates distribute food to a family in need just before Thanksgiving. I am speaking to the dad on the front porch. The girls are lined up on the sidewalk behind me.)

Me: “Hello, sir. Is this the [Name] residence? We have some groceries to deliver from [School].”

Man: “Oh, yes, the wife said you’d be here today. Let’s just bring it up on the porch and I’ll put it away.”

(I am making very sure to make eye contact with him at all times, because he is wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I’m not a gynecologist, but I’ll take a look.’)

Me: “Would you like any help bringing it in and sorting it out?”

(Suddenly, the man realizes what he’s wearing; he darts a glance downward and then goes pale.)

Man: “Um, no, no. That’s good. Let’s, um, just get this unloaded. I’ll, er, take care of it all…”

(I turn to the row of petrified 15 year olds on the sidewalk.)

Me: “Let’s get it unloaded, ladies.”

(I have never seen a group of teenagers work faster. The man would not look any of us in the eye for the rest of the time.)

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(Two of my friends have a running joke that they’re each other’s nemeses and will even refer to each other as ‘enemy.’ One night a bunch of us are hanging out at our friend’s place.)

Me: “Hey, where’s [Other Friend]?”

Friend: “I don’t know. I’ll call him and ask him to come over.”

(He dials the phone, and as soon as someone on the other end picks up…)

Friend: “HELLO, ENEMY!” *pause* “Oh, I’m so sorry. I must have the wrong number.”

(The best thing about this story is that somewhere in our city, there must be a guy who tells people about the time he was mistaken for someone else’s enemy.)

(I’m sitting around with my two roommates and another friend of ours.)

Friend: “Your apartment is so diverse; it’s like a Logo sitcom up here!”

Roommate #1: “Yup!”

Friend: “I mean, you’ve got a straight white chick, a bi Hispanic chick, and a trans Asian chick. All you need is a black lesbian!”

Roommate #2: “Well, [Female Cat] is gay, and she’s solid black.”

Me: “And [Male Cat] is neutered, so that makes him a eunuch.”

Roommate #1: “We should totally pitch it as a pilot.”

Roommate #2: “Except we never do anything very interesting.”

Everyone: “Oh… right…” *pause* “Sooo… which bad movie are we watching?”

(We may not be TV-worthy, but I’ve never had a better set of roommates!)

(I am walking over to a friend’s house a few blocks away. It has recently snowed and there is a ton of ice on the front yard, which I inevitably slip on a few steps out the door. My arm feels like it sprained when it hit the ground.)

Me: “Argh! God, that hurts.”

(My neighbour, who I don’t know very well, looks at me from her yard in disbelief.)

Neighbour: “EXCUSE ME?! HOW DARE YOU USE THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN!”

Me: “Oh, sorry if I offended you, ma’am.”

(As I get up from the ground, I am berated with threads of ‘hell’ and ‘punishment from the lord.’)

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, I’m not religious, and these threats don’t really scare me.”

Neighbour: “We’ll see what you say when judgment day happens!”

(The next day, I see that, overnight, she put up tons of small silver crosses in the area where our yards meet (we don’t have fences separating houses here). I assumed she put them up in an effort to ‘keep away the ungodliness’ in me, and my suspicions were confirmed when I heard her talking to someone about ‘that evil, godless man next door.’)

(I am with my mate on a train. He is below average height. I am not allowed to drive for medical reasons. It is a packed train and he is annoyed he can’t reach the handles to keep balanced.)

Mate: “Oh, for f*** sakes, move a little please, so I can grab that rail.”

Me: “Maybe someone should sue the council because their bum is too close to the footpath.”

Mate: “And maybe someone else needs to sue the government because the roads don’t cater for the visually impaired…”