(I am talking to one of my friends about why I dislike the card game ‘Magic: The Gathering.’)

Me: “A bunch of friends were sitting around playing Magic, and we were waiting for a few more people to get there to play Dungeons and Dragons. I had to work early the next morning, and simply said if they were just going to play Magic all night, I would go home. For some reason, this caused [Former Best Friend] to flip out and cause a whole big fight that I really don’t remember or understand. Everyone got mad and left.”

Friend: “So you cleared them all, and didn’t even have to tap any mana?”

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(A couple of friends and I are having a girl’s night and stop at a well-known fast food place to get something to eat. As we pull in we note a fire truck idling outside. Since I am in the testing phase of my EMT certification, I know it is just a standard dinner run, not an emergency. We are lining up right behind a large group of firefighters, all covered in soot and sweat.)

Friend #1: *loudly* “I smell bacon…”

(The rather pungent firefighter in front of us turns slightly towards us.)

Me: “Uh, well, you know they have bacon on a lot of their stuff here.”

Friend #2: “I can’t really smell anything. My nose is all stuffed up.”

Friend #1: “They must be making a lot of bacon because it smells really strong out here.”

(The guy in front of me frowns slightly and I’m stifling a fit of giggles by this point.)

Friend #1: “D***, now I want something that has bacon.”

(I lean in and whisper so only [Friend #1] and [Friend #2] can hear.)

Me: “There are firefighters in here…”

Friend #1: *whispering, too* “Yeah, but they’re not that cute.”

Me: “No, you don’t get it. There are firefighters here. They just got off a call.”

Friend #2: “How can you tell?”

Me: “See the guy in front of us? Notice the soot on the back of his neck? It’s all over his face, too.”

Friend #1: *suddenly mortified* “That’s not bacon that I smell…”

Friend #2: *holding back giggles*

Me: “No. That is the manly smell of a firefighter’s sweat after he put out a fire.”

(It’s 7:00 PM, and I am in my room watching TV when there is a knock on the back door. My dad goes to answer the door and then calls for me. I go to see it’s my next door neighbor.)

Me: “What is it?”

Neighbor: “Were you mowing your lawn today?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Neighbor: “Well, I just wanted you to know that you ended up mowing into my yard, and if I catch you doing it again, you’ll be mowing my yard, too. Do you understand? Don’t you give me that look.”

Me: “I wasn’t giving you any look and don’t tell me what to do.”

Neighbor: “Excuse me?”

Me: “You heard me. I don’t have to listen to you.”

Neighbor: “Yes, you do.”

Me: “Now let’s get something straight here. No, I don’t have to listen to you. You may have the authority to tell your family what to do but you don’t have the authority to tell anyone else what to do. You’re not queen of the godd**n block. And, if you want your lawn mowed so badly, why don’t you try doing it yourself instead of sitting on your a** smoking cigarettes all day.”

(I slammed the door shut and went back to my room while my dad just laughed.)

(It’s 1992 and I am in 4th grade. A ‘friend’ of mine is very possessive of me, not allowing me to eat lunch with other children, play with them at recess, and forcing me to allow her copy my school work. She follows me everywhere, yells at me for not doing what she says, and pulls my hair if I ‘disobey’ her. I am an introvert, shy, and naive, and do not realize that she is a predatory bully. She’s in my class, my Girl Scout troop, and rides my bus. Eventually I am fed up with her abuse and decide to ‘break up’ with her at recess.)

Me: “I really think you need to do your own school work from now on.”

Friend: “Oh, really?”

Me: “Yeah, and I don’t want to sit with you at lunch or on the bus anymore. You’re really mean to me.”

Friend: “That’s not true. I’m your friend!”

Me: “You pull my hair and cheat off my test papers!”

Friend: “Well, no one else is your friend.”

Me: “Because you scare them away. You won’t let me even talk to other people. I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

Friend: “Oh, well, too bad. I brought something for you today.”

Me: “You did?”

Friend: “Yeah, THIS!” *wraps her hands around my throat and starts choking me*

(I struggle against her, eventually pushing her to the ground.)

Me: *gasping for air* “I’m TELLING!”

(I told the recess monitors, but they didn’t believe me. I ended up spending every recess after that almost glued to the monitor’s side. At the end of the school year, we moved to Georgia. I had never been so happy to move in my life!)

(I am sitting on the sofa, while my friend is in the kitchen with her mom who is cleaning out their refrigerator. I hear them talking.)

Friend: “[My Name]’s here. We’re gonna watch TV and play backgammon.”

Mom: “That’s nice. Oh, this ice cream here, this looks bad. I’m gonna throw it out.” *dropping her voice, but still audible* “Or… um, would [My Name] want it? Ask her if she wants ice cream.”

Friend: *comes back to the room* “My mom wants to know if you want ice cream.”

Me: “Bad ice cream? Absolutely!”

(This became a long running joke, and from then on, whenever I was offered ice cream at their house, I would ask ‘Is it ice cream you’d otherwise throw out? If so, I’d love some!’)