(I have just started to become friends with one of my coworkers. We are putting on our makeup before heading out.)

Me: “I’m so jealous! Your eyelashes are so long. Like little spider legs.”

Friend: “Yeah, that’s not creepy at all…”

Me: “Sorry! I know I’m sort of morbid underneath my sweet smile.”

(I smile as wide as possible and she looks at me like I’m nuts.)

Friend: “Why are we friends again?”

Me: “Because I like you and don’t want to stick a fork in your forehead at work.”

Friend: “I’m glad we cleared that up!”

(My friend and I are working on a game when my dad goes for a walk with my mom.)

Dad: “Text us if you need anything. And I don’t want the house full of chicks when I get home!”

(It’s a running joke in our family that whenever I’m home alone, I have a bunch of girls in the house.)

Me: “Yes, you do.”

Dad: “That is not true. I have the best one right here.” *gestures to my mom*

Me: “Then why are you always noting the hotness of other girls?”

Dad: “There’s no problem with looking!”

Friend: “Yeah, but all you can do is run to the end of your chain and bark.”

(We all started laughing hysterically at that one! I gave my friend a high ten and we went back to our game.)

(I’m a college student walking back to my apartment from campus. I come to an intersection and hit the button for the walk signal. While I’m waiting for the light to change, an older woman walks up and waits next to me. After only a few moments of waiting she hits the button repeatedly, muttering under her breath.)

Me: “It’s okay. I already pushed it.”

Her: “Not enough.”

(She continues hitting the button, glaring at the cars passing by for a minute, before pulling out her phone. While she’s looking at the phone, the walk signal goes on.)

Me: “Hey, the sign changed… Hello? We can walk now.”

(I decide to just go, and begin to walk, when she grabs my arm.)

Me: “Hey!”

Her: “Don’t jaywalk! F***ing students think you can go whenever you want!”

Me: “The walk signal is on. I tried to tell you!”

Her: “S***!”

(By this point, the light was already blinking, meaning it would change back to ‘do not walk’ soon. The woman dropped my arm and charged across the intersection just as the light changed, and nearly got hit by a car turning as soon as they got the green light.)

(My two housemates and I just moved house and are grabbing junk food for dinner. We all have very distinct personalities and I am assigning animals to each of them. I can be quite rude and surprisingly honest at times.)

Me: “You just lay around the house and look grumpy. You are definitely a cat.”

Housemate #1: ‘What? No. I want to be a dog.”

Me: “No, [Housemate #2] is a dog.”

Housemate #2: “Huh?

Me: “You’re a cat. You are lazy, always sleeping, and you do gymnastics so you climb everywhere.”

Housemate #1: “… I can see that.”

Me: “[Housemate #2], you’re a dog. You are loyal but tend to do any trick asked of you.”

Housemate #2: “…okay.”

Housemate #1: “Okay, well you’re a—”

Me: “I’m a parrot. I talk a lot and I am always annoying people.”

(Housemate #2 laughs and Housemate #1 just stares at me.)

Me: “What? Too correct?”

Housemate #1: “Just a bit.”

(I’m an older woman who has trouble with arthritis so whenever I visit public restrooms I use the stall designed for handicapped persons whenever it’s available. I’m currently in the stall when a woman comes in with three children (all screaming about something): a boy and two girls. The boy has to use the restroom but wants the handicap stall. Frustrated that it’s occupied the boy then bends down to look under the door at me.)

Boy: “Wow, you’re fat!”

Mother: “[Boy]! Just use the other stall here.”

Boy: “No way! There’s a fat lady in there! She’ll eat me if I go in!”

(Eventually the boy does go in the next stall and does his business. I’m exiting while he’s still in the stall.)

Mother: “I’m sorry about him.”

Boy: “Well, I’m not! She’s fat!”

(I quickly left before I decided to flush his head!)