(My best friend is a lesbian, and my wife and I tend to use her as a sort of tie-breaker for silly arguments.)
Wife: “You are so full of crap!”
Me: “Do you want me to go ask [Friend]?”
Wife: “No, she’s just going to agree with you!”
Me: “No, sometimes she sides with you just so they don’t revoke her vagina mafia membership.”
(I am a 30-year-old woman, with very short hair. My workplace is extremely casual, and on this particular day I am wearing jeans and sneakers, with a pink t-shirt and light makeup. I am restocking the shelves when a girl of about 5 comes up to me.)
Girl: “Excuse me…”
Me: “Can I help you sweetheart?”
Girl: “Do you wanna be a boy?”
Me: “Pardon?”
Girl: “Do you wanna be a boy?”
Me: “No… No. I’m very happy as a woman, thank you.”
Girl: “Well… um… Do you date girls? ”
Me: “…nope. I have a husband whom I love very much.”
Girl: “So… you’re a girl who likes boys?”
Me: “Yep. Why?”
Girl: *running away happily and shouting to a man who I notice has been cringing behind a rack of calendars* “See, Daddy?! YOU CAN SO BE A GIRL WHO LIKES BOYS AND HAVE SHORT HAIR! I WANNA GET SHORT HAIR! You need to stop being so DUMB!”
(Several people nearby cracked up. Sadly, this is not the first time I have had my sexuality questioned based on the length of my hair, but that little girl absolutely made my day!)
(Some friends of mine play a game of [Popular Role-Playing Game] where one of our players is sort of dim-witted, if sweet. Their characters all meet up in a stereotypical tavern and are told about treasures in a nearby underground dungeon. The characters go after the treasure and are now quite a way in, underground, so going back quickly would be hard. They have already fought some monsters and are somewhat injured when this happens:)
Game Master: “While wandering the open area off that tunnel, [Friend’s Character] finds a locked wooden chest.”
Friend: “What’s in it?”
Game Master: “You can’t see. It’s closed.”
Friend: “Um, okay. I open the box and look inside.”
Game Master: “It’s locked. You can’t.”
Friend: “Um, okay. I unlock the box and look inside.”
Game Master: “Unlock it? With what?”
Friend: “Oh… Um, ok. I hit the lock with my knife and try to break it open.”
Game Master: *rolls dice* “Sorry. The lock doesn’t break and now your knife is damaged.”
Friend: “Um, okay. I shake the box. What do I hear?”
Game Master: “You hear some sloshing and clinking.”
Friend: “Um, okay. I try bashing the box open with my knife.”
Game Master: “You can’t. It’s too damaged to be useful like that.”
Friend: “Um, okay. I throw the box REALLY HARD against the wall to break it open.
Game Master: “WHAT?!”
Friend: “Yeah. I throw the box REALLY HARD against the wall.”
Game Master: “I’m really not supposed to help you players out of your mistakes but are you sure you really want to do that?”
Friend: “Yes.”
(The other players panic and tried to convince Friend not to do this. Friend is adamant, however, and her character throws the box as hard as she can at a nearby wall.)
Game Master: *rolls dice, his eyes bug out* “Okay. The box hits the wall and smashes open, wood splintering everywhere, bits of metal clattering where they land from being broken off the box, and you hear the sound of glass shattering and shards of glass are everywhere. There’s also a pool of liquid where the box broke open.”
Friend: “What was in the box?”
Game Master: “IT’S ALL BROKEN! THERE ARE SHARDS OF GLASS EVERYWHERE AND A PUDDLE OF LIQUID IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THAT GLASS!”
Friend: “So, maybe they were jars of liquid?”
Game Master: *getting exasperated at this point* “MAYBE.”
Friend: “Is the puddle magical?”
Game Master: “Do you have any SPELLS for that, because otherwise, HOW WILL YOU KNOW?!”
Friend: “Oh… Um, okay. I have ‘Detect Magic.’ I cast that.”
Game Master: “Finally! Yes, you can detect magic in the puddles. That was magical liquid.”
Friend: “Okay. What is it?”
Game Master: *loses it* “Okay. You know what? Those were potions in that chest. MAGICAL POTIONS that you just smashed against a wall. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!”
Friend: “Which potions?”
Game Master: “FINE! THEY WERE TWO HEALING POTIONS, AND NOW THEY ARE BROKEN AND SPILLED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!”
Friend: “Um, okay. I lick the floor.”
Game Master: “…WHAT?!”
Friend: “I lick the floor.”
Game Master: “…what?! WHY?!”
Friend: “You said those were healing potions that broke onto the floor and my character is injured, so I go to where the potions spilled and I lick the floor.”
(The Game Master’s eyes about come out of his head, as do the other players.)
Game Master: “SURE! You LICK the floor!” *rolls dice* “Great job there! Your character gains POINT-FIVE of a hit point and ALSO gains…” *rolls dice, looks up on a separate chart* “…TWO DISEASES!”
(The game master describes two deadly diseases from the disease chart that comes up when he rolled.)
Game Master: “YOU LICKED A DUNGEON FLOOR! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?! YOU… LICKED… A… F****** DUNGEON FLOOR!”
(Everyone’s minds were blown, but the game continued on. Out of pity, he allowed her to have her character pray to the character’s goddess and magically cure the character of the diseases. He then reconsidered if he ever wanted her to play in his games anymore…)
(I am male and my friend is female. She has recently moved into my spare bedroom. One day she comes into the living room with a sheepish and embarrassed look on her face.)
Friend: “I… need a plunger.”
Me: “I actually don’t have one.”
Friend: *shocked* “How can you not have a plunger in your home?”
Me: “I’ve never needed one.”
Friend: “Why not!?”
Me: “Uh… a healthy diet and frugal use of toilet paper?”
(I am sitting with a group of friends at a student party. Our student society has some weird ‘traditions’ at gatherings like these. One of them applies to a person holding a speech, where the audience will yell out ‘take off your pants!’ if it is a boy and ‘show your t**s!’ if it is a girl. A boy walks up and gets ready to hold a speech.)
Audience: “Take off your pants!”
Friend: “Take off your t**s! … er, wait, I mean…”
