(I’m sweeping in front of the shop I work in. A guy on the street hails to talk to me.)

Guy: “Excuse me, but do you know where the closest dive bar is?”

Me: “You’re going in the wrong direction. It’s only boutiques and restaurants on this street for the next mile.”

Guy: “Yeah, all these places look a little too uptight. I think they won’t like me.”

Me: “Well, there are a few bars in the area. What kind of bar do you like?”

Guy: “Just a place where they’d be cool with me snorting coke.”

Me: “…”

(One of my best friends is on the other side of the country for her second year of med school. We are both quite busy, her with school and I with work, so it can sometimes be up to three months between our Skype calls. About a month before this takes place, she had been going through a lot of rough situations and I was quite worried about her. The next day she left for a remote community with next to no outside communication to do a practicum. This is the first time I’ve heard from her since, while I am on vacation.)

Friend: “I have terrifying but exciting news. Also, I need some help.”

Me: “Definitely! I can’t do video right now, since [Vacation Town] doesn’t have great wifi, but what’s this exciting news?”

Friend: “No worries, I can’t do video either, since drugs and stuff are taking over my life.”

Me: “That doesn’t sound good…”

Friend: “Anti-depressants, antipsychotics, and anti-seizure meds are making my head spin! Soon I’ll need one of these drugs to keep me seeing straight!”

(Since I have personal experience with mental health issues and have a relative who developed seizures suddenly in their mid-20s, I am immediately think the worst.)

Me: “Are you okay?!”

Friend: “Oh, right, sometimes I forget my non-med friends think of street drugs when I say ‘drugs.’ What I mean are Rx (prescription) drugs… Memorizing them, not using them, FYI. My news is good!”

Me: “Jeez, [Friend]! Much heart attack over here!”

Friend: “Well… I have a date this Saturday…”

This story is part of our Mental Health Awareness roundup!

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(I am a New Zealander working in an architect’s office in the UK.)

Colleague: “Does the sun still rise in the East in the Southern Hemisphere?”

Me: “Um, yes… North is still North.”

(I am chatting with my neighbor, and the topic has turned to speeding.)

Me: “My brother-in-law has a ‘Police Interceptor’ sticker on his car, so highway patrol knows not to pull him over. Though when he told us about it, someone also commented that it would be hard to even see the sticker at that speed.”

Neighbor: “Can’t you get in trouble for having one of those if you’re not a cop?”

Me: “He IS a cop.”

(I’m not entirely sure who’s the stupid one here; him for not making that leap of logic, or me for assuming he would.)

(For some reason, people don’t always listen to me, which can get really annoying. This conversation took place at a friend’s Halloween party. We were talking about “Ghostbusters,” and a bunch of friends were trying to remember who had died recently:)

Friend #1: “It wasn’t Bill Murray. It was the other guy.”

Me: “Harold Ramis.”

Friend #2: “It wasn’t Dan Ackroyd, was it?”

Friend #3: “No, no. Not him.”

Me: “It was Harold Ramis.”

Friend #2: “I can’t remember his name. Wasn’t he in some other movies with Bill Murray?”

Me: “Argh! It was Harold Ramis!”

Friend #1: “I wish I could remember his name.”

Me: “HELLO? HELLO? IS ANYBODY LISTENING TO ME? IT. WAS. HAROLD. RAMIS!”

Friend #3: “I’m sure it will come to us eventually.”

Me: *out of sheer desperation, at the top of my lungs* “I AM GOOGLE!”

(Sudden silence falls over the group, and they all look at me.)

Me: “Finally! It was Harold Ramis.”

Everyone Else: “Ah! That’s who it was.”

Me: *face-palm*