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Encounters with friends & strangers

Doesn’t Want To Go Down That Road

, | Friendly | February 5, 2014

(My wife is picking me up from work. I walk out of the mall doors towards my wife’s car, but since it is during the holiday season the parking lot is full and she is stuck behind a car parking, and a cab dropping off a passenger. Behind her was a very irate guy blaring on his horn screaming profanities. I get into my wife’s car as the guy is giving us the finger, but ignore him.)

Me: “Talk about a jerk behind us! Can’t he see the cars blocking us in?”

My Wife: “Some people act so horrible this time of the year.”

(The cars finally clear so we can leave, but I still hear the guys horn so I look behind us only to see the guy following us.)

My Wife: “He will leave us alone when we get to the street.”

Me: “Just in case, I am getting my phone.”

(As I am pulling my phone out of my work bag my wife reaches the street and we turn onto it, so I look behind us and notice the guy still behind us honking his horn and now mouthing the words “‘PULL THE F*** OVER’ while speeding up on us.)

Me: “I think he wants us to pull over to fight or something, but don’t worry about it.”

(I pull out my phone and make it look like I am taking pictures of him and his car’s license plate and mouth the words ‘calling the cops’ a couple of times and put my phone to my ear. The guy hits the brakes so hard he would have caused an accident had all the other drivers not given him room due to his aggressive behaviour.)

Me: “That’s how you deal with road rage.”

Home Is Where The Heartless Is

| Friendly | February 4, 2014

(I’m having my really close friend over for the first time.)

Friend: *walks in* “Wow, you have a really nice place.”

Me: “Thank you!”

Friend: “It makes me feel like s***, to be honest.” *kicks over a vase, then walks out*

(I’ve always thought her place was much better than mine, but she hasn’t explained or talked to me since, and it’s been four months!)

Won’t Drink In The Meaning Until Later

| Friendly | February 3, 2014

(My best friend has a mother who frequently works night shifts as a nurse, and on those nights will usually sleep over at my house and come with me to school the next day. We are about 12 years old.)

Friend: “I’m done in the bathroom. It’s your turn.”

Me: “Don’ wanna.”

Friend: “You have to get up.”

Me: “Nope.”

Friend: *pulling blankets off me* “Good morning, Sunshine!”

Me: *throwing pillow at her* “Good night, Moonshine!”

Dad: *hysterical laughter from hallway*

(It was a couple years before I figured out why it was so funny, but the nicknames stuck!)

Giving It To Them Straight

| Friendly | February 2, 2014

(My best friend and I are complaining about college guys.)

Me: “I don’t know, it feels like they’re always looking for something.”

Best Friend: “I know! I wish I was gay and didn’t have to deal with them.”

Me: “Yeah, me too.”

Best Friend: *pauses, looks at me* “Hypothetically, if we were gay, would you date me?”

Me: *instantly* “No.”

Best Friend: “Wait, what? Why?”

Me: “You wouldn’t be my type.”

Best Friend: *offended* “Well, what would your type be then, huh?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Best Friend: “I just don’t understand why you won’t hypothetically date me if we were both gay!”

The Friends That Slay Together, Stay Together

| Friendly | February 1, 2014

(One of my closest male friends recently started dating a girl almost ten years younger than him. At first I liked her, but then she started bugging me because she’s still very much a loud, annoying teenager. Regardless, the usual she-hurts-you-she-dies rule applied. He was aware of the age gap at such times and was quite paranoid when she made excuses to not see him. We have a habit of texting each other late at night when something is up and know that replies can take some time.)

Friend: *at about 1 am* “She dumped me.”

Me: *at 8 am* “Gonna need an address, and a few quid extra if you want a fancy burial. You okay?”