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Encounters with friends & strangers

Home Is Where The Heartless Is

| Friendly | February 4, 2014

(I’m having my really close friend over for the first time.)

Friend: *walks in* “Wow, you have a really nice place.”

Me: “Thank you!”

Friend: “It makes me feel like s***, to be honest.” *kicks over a vase, then walks out*

(I’ve always thought her place was much better than mine, but she hasn’t explained or talked to me since, and it’s been four months!)

Won’t Drink In The Meaning Until Later

| Friendly | February 3, 2014

(My best friend has a mother who frequently works night shifts as a nurse, and on those nights will usually sleep over at my house and come with me to school the next day. We are about 12 years old.)

Friend: “I’m done in the bathroom. It’s your turn.”

Me: “Don’ wanna.”

Friend: “You have to get up.”

Me: “Nope.”

Friend: *pulling blankets off me* “Good morning, Sunshine!”

Me: *throwing pillow at her* “Good night, Moonshine!”

Dad: *hysterical laughter from hallway*

(It was a couple years before I figured out why it was so funny, but the nicknames stuck!)

Giving It To Them Straight

| Friendly | February 2, 2014

(My best friend and I are complaining about college guys.)

Me: “I don’t know, it feels like they’re always looking for something.”

Best Friend: “I know! I wish I was gay and didn’t have to deal with them.”

Me: “Yeah, me too.”

Best Friend: *pauses, looks at me* “Hypothetically, if we were gay, would you date me?”

Me: *instantly* “No.”

Best Friend: “Wait, what? Why?”

Me: “You wouldn’t be my type.”

Best Friend: *offended* “Well, what would your type be then, huh?”

Me: “I don’t know.”

Best Friend: “I just don’t understand why you won’t hypothetically date me if we were both gay!”

The Friends That Slay Together, Stay Together

| Friendly | February 1, 2014

(One of my closest male friends recently started dating a girl almost ten years younger than him. At first I liked her, but then she started bugging me because she’s still very much a loud, annoying teenager. Regardless, the usual she-hurts-you-she-dies rule applied. He was aware of the age gap at such times and was quite paranoid when she made excuses to not see him. We have a habit of texting each other late at night when something is up and know that replies can take some time.)

Friend: *at about 1 am* “She dumped me.”

Me: *at 8 am* “Gonna need an address, and a few quid extra if you want a fancy burial. You okay?”

A Fort-ful Father

| Friendly | January 31, 2014

(My friends and I are sharing a pizza. My friends are thinking about starting a family, and we we’re chatting about it.)

Female Friend: “What are we going to do if we have kids? What are the kids going to do?”

Male Friend: “I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I know what they’re going to do and I know what I’m going to do.”

Female Friend: “What’s that?”

Male Friend: “They’re going to build forts out of our extra sheets and furniture in the dining room.”

Me: “Sure, sounds about right. And what are you going to do?”

Male Friend: “I’m going to stock up on tennis balls so that I can bomb their fort.”