(It’s a normal Saturday morning when I hear the doorbell ring. I peek outside to see two women and a young girl standing at the door. One woman is rummaging through her purse and is holding a book.)

Me: “Who might you three be?”

(They don’t immediately react. Understandable; I tend to be a bit soft-spoken so them not hearing me isn’t impossible. Thankfully, the girl sees me.)

Girl: “There’s a woman at the door.”

Woman #1: *stops looking through her purse and looks up at me* “Hello!”

Me: “Who are you?”

Woman #1: “We’re volunteers at the local church. We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses and we were wondering if you’d be willing to listen to our scriptures—”

(At this point, I’m wondering what measures I might have to take to get them to leave, having heard all sorts of stories about how persistent they can be.)

Me: “No, thanks.”

Woman #1: “Okay, have a good day!”

(They all leave. I stand there for a few seconds gob-smacked at the fact that that’s all it took.)

(My mother and her friends, all runners, are leaving the gym for a run. They see a man trying to break into a car. My mother is the queen of obvious.)

Friend #1: “Is he?”

Friend #2: “I think he’s trying to break into that car!”

Friend #3: “What do we do?!”

(The man sees the women and starts running.)

Mother: “Hey… You’re running!”

Friend: “Yeah. That scared him.”

(I live on the second floor of the dorms. I usually take the stairs, but on this particular day, I’m carrying my suitcase. Another girl gets in the elevator with me and presses the button for the fifth floor. She stands directly in front of the buttons.)

Me: “Can you please hit two?”

Girl: “Ugh, why can’t you walk up the stairs?”

Me: “Excuse me? I’m carrying something.”

Girl: “Seriously, that doesn’t even look heavy. Just take the stairs!”

Me: “My hands would be full and I couldn’t hold the railing, not that it’s really any of your business. Besides, in the time it took you to argue your point, we could both be in our own rooms. Please hit two.”

Girl: “You’re being so ridiculous! It’s one flight of stairs!”

Me: “With my hands full, I really couldn’t.” *I bend down and roll up my pant leg a little past my ankle to show my artificial leg* “It’s been about a year now, but I still have a little trouble with stairs when I’m carrying stuff.”

Girl: *goes pale*

Me: “So, can you f****** hit two now?!”

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(My friend and I decide to go for ice cream after class one day. We get our sundaes and come back to eat in the cafeteria with friends. Neither of us like cherries and didn’t think to ask for our ice cream without, since we’re both use to eating with others who do like them. After finishing, we sit there with two cherries in between us, when I get an idea. I stand up and hold out the cherries by the stems.)

Me: *practically shouting* “Does anyone want my and [Friend #1]’s cherries?”

(The room goes silent and my friend sits there giggling as at least 10 people are staring at me. I’m well aware that I’ve completely set myself up and just decide to keep going with it. Friend #2 is a girl, and Friend #1 and I often make joking sexual overtures with each other.)

Me: “No one? They have whipped cream on them!”

Friend #2: “Ooh, do I get to pop them?”

Me: *shrugs* “Well, one already has a hole in it, but sure!”

(My in-the-process-of-becoming-my-ex-best-friend has just asked me to go to a movie with her. I know that she will probably rescind the offer shortly, but agree. The day before the movie, she comes up to me and asks if we can talk. I know what’s coming, but agree.)

Friend: “So, I’m going with a bunch of my guy friends to the movie tomorrow. When I go with my guy friends I tend to be ‘one of the guys,’ and I don’t want a female invasion. So, I’m going with them, but we can go some other time.” *flounces off*

(We never did, of course, and she couldn’t understand why I got angry with her, let alone why I was still angry with her the following Monday. It took another three years for me to finally break off our friendship.)