Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 11

I work in a pizza place that has large open brick ovens where the customers can see all the pizzas being cooked. I have just sat a family at a table and the mother speaks up.

Customer: “No, no this won’t do. We’re far too close to the oven.”

Me: “Is it too hot, ma’am? I can move you a bit further away.”

Customer: “No, it’s the gluten! I am deathly allergic to gluten and if I am this close to the oven I’ll breathe in the gluten particles!”

Me: *Not even attempting to engage with this level of stupid.* “Okay, ma’am, we can move to you to this table here.”

Customer: “No, this is still too close! I need to be as far from the oven as possible. I’ll take that table there.”

Me: “That table is already occupied with diners, ma’am.”

Customer: “So? Move them!”

Me: “I can’t do that, ma’am. That is their table until they have finished their meal.”

Customer: “So you want me to die, is that it? You want me to die from the gluten!”

Me: “No, ma’am, that isn’t what I am saying. I just can’t move you to that table.”

Customer: “So then you want me to die. Got it. I’ll be writing about this on Yelp!”

At this point I call my supervisor over, as threats of a bad review are usually “mitigated” by management. I explain the situation, he silently mouths a “wow” and then engages with the customer.

Manager: “Ma’am, I assure you that no one is trying to kill you. However if your gluten allergy is as severe as you claim, then I am afraid we cannot help you. You would be best served by another establishment?”

Customer: “What?! You’re not even going to try to accommodate my medical needs?”

Manager: “We always strive to accommodate as many allergies as possible, ma’am, but if gluten waves being emitted from our oven in the back of the kitchen might kill you then I fear what all the other diners tearing into their pizzas literally all around us right now might be doing to you.”

Customer: “I am the customer and you must accommodate my needs!”

Manager: “You haven’t sat down and ordered anything so you’re not a customer. You’re a liability. You threatened to write a bad review on Yelp so you’re the kind of customer who is just looking for something to complain about.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous!”

Manager: “No, what is ridiculous is faking a gluten allergy so severe it’s impossible, just to get the table you want. Well now you get no table. Please leave.”

The customer glares in outrage but complies. The level of awesomeness of my manager’s takedown was only matched by the level of weirdness of the customer’s family just staring at her behavior and doing absolutely nothing. Seriously, I don’t think they even blinked.

Related:

Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 10
Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 9
Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 8
Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 7
Free Of Gluten, Free Of Thought, Part 6