Formatting Error

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to return a set of CDs. They don’t work.”

Me: “Well, I can only offer you an exchange on a defective CD. Tell you what, let me take a look at it and we’ll figure out what’s wrong.”

(The customer puts a box set of a very popular audiobook on the counter. I have a hard time believing every single CD in the set is defective.)

Me: “So tell me; what happened when you tried to play the CDs?”

Customer: “I bought the CDs so I could listen to them on my portable CD player while I jog, but every time I put a CD in and hit play, nothing happens. The CDs are obviously broken.”

Me: “I don’t suppose you’d happen to have your CD player with you, do you?”

(The customer pulls out the oldest-looking CD player I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s gigantic, has big chunky buttons, and practically screams ‘late 1990’s.’)

Me: “Oh, that explains a lot. I think I see the problem. See here on the CD cases? It reads, “Mp3 on CD.” That means that the tracks on this CD are in .mp3 format, like what you’d play on an iPod. Your CD player was probably made before mp3s were around. That’s why you can’t play the CDs on this player.”

(The customer looks terrified.)

Customer: “I don’t understand you!”

Me: “Well, it just means that your CD player is too old to recognize the format that the data on those CDs is in.”

Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re saying! I’m no good with technical stuff!”

Me: “Um… it’s just the form that the information on the CDs is in. It’s called an mp3. Your CD player came out before mp3s did, so it doesn’t know how to read the information.”

Customer: “That’s not what it says on the box, though!”

Me: “Yes it is. It says so right there in big letters: ‘Mp3 on CD.'”

Customer: “It says ‘Mp3 OR CD!'”

Me: That’s an ‘N.’ It says ‘on.’ It means that the information on those CDs is in mp3 format.”

Customer: *squinting at the box* “Oh, really? Well, then, I’d like a refund, since I can’t play these CDs.”

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s illegal to return opened CDs in this state. The only thing I can do is exchange it for the exact same item if it’s defective, which it isn’t.”

Customer: “But how am I supposed to play these CDs?!”

Me: “Do you have a computer?”

Customer: “Yeah, but I don’t know how it works! I’m no good with technical stuff!”

Me: “You could try ripping those CDs to your computer and playing them through iTunes or Windows Media Player.”

(The customer stares at me as though I’d suddenly started speaking in tongues.)

Me: “Sorry. I meant, you could put the CD into the disc drive of the computer and listen to it that way.”

Customer: “I. DON’T. KNOW. WHAT. YOU’RE. SAYING.”

Me: “Do you have anyone else at home who could help you use the computer?”

Customer: “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO USE THE COMPUTER! I’M NO GOOD WITH TECHNICAL STUFF!”

Me: “I just meant that maybe someone else could help you get the information off the CDs so you could listen to them. It’s the best solution, since you can’t return them.”

Customer: “No, no, no, no! I’m no good with technical stuff! I don’t understand you at all! This is so confusing!”

Me: “There’s really nothing else I can do for you, then. I’m sorry.”

Customer: *sighs, scoops up her CDs, and walks to the door muttering* “I don’t understand computers at all. This is so confusing. I don’t understand!”