Flirting With Disaster

| Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Working | February 19, 2014

(I am female and my best friend of 16 years is a gay man. We are so close that most strangers assume we are dating and we have learned to not pay any attention to it. One night, on his birthday, we go out to a well known restaurant to celebrate. This exchange occurs with our waitress:)

Waitress: “Good evening. My name is [Name] and I will be taking care of you this evening.” *ignores me completely and turns to my friend with a flirty smile on her face* “Can I start you with drinks tonight?”

Me: “I would like to have a sweet tea, please.”

Friend: “I would also like to have a sweet tea.”

Waitress: *smiling at my friend* “All right. I will be right back with your drinks! But before I leave I must ask: what brings you in today?”

Me: “Oh, well, it’s [Friend]’s birthday today and I’m treating him!”

Waitress: *glares at me and speaks right over me as if I didn’t say a word* “Happy birthday, buddy! I am going to ask the chef for a free cake on the house for you and, uhm, your girlfriend!”

(As soon as the waitress leaves, my friend and I start to giggle.)

Me: “Dude! I don’t know what’s better, the fact that the waitress thinks we’re dating or the fact that she’s trying to flirt with you.”

Friend: “Did you see the way she glared at you? She’s totally jealous of you! I think she wanted your head to explode as soon as you began to talk to her.”

Me: “I think we should have a little fun tonight with this waitress.”

(Throughout the night, we continue to have a little fun with the waitress by holding hands on the table and calling each other ‘babe.’ Every time we flirt with each other we notice that the waitress treats me horribly by purposely getting my order wrong, bringing out an unsweetened tea, and acting like I’m invisible. The waitress finally brings our bill and then tells my friend to have a great birthday. Due to the poor service she provided for me, we decided to not leave a tip. After we leave, she runs out to catch up with us.)

Waitress: “Excuse me, but your little girlfriend forgot to leave me a tip.”

Friend: “No. We decided to not leave a tip due to the way you treated my friend.”

Waitress: “I treated you both like a king and a queen! I waited on you and was nothing but nice to the both of you tonight! I even gave you a free birthday cake on the house that isn’t even eaten!”

Me: “No. You might’ve treated [Friend] like a king, but you treated me like s*** all night long because you were so caught up with flirting with him.”

Waitress: “Well, he deserves a lot better than you. He probably wants a girl who’s beautiful, like me, and not you. You’re ugly!”

Friend: “That’s enough! [My Name] is beautiful on the inside and out. I’m sorry, [My Name], but so she’ll leave us alone, I’ll give her a tip.”

(He winks at me and we walk back to the table. He grabs out his wallet and looks at me with a smirk on his face. He then takes out a piece of paper, writes ‘My number is: 412-919-I’m GAY’ on it in capital letters. He looks up quickly to show me and I giggle.)

Friend: “All right, I guess I’ll be nice. Should I leave her a $0.01 tip or a $1.01 tip?”

Me: *giggling* “A penny should do the trick.”

(My friend puts the penny under the white piece of paper and I notice that he has flipped it so it looks like it is blank. We walk up to the waitress, who was waiting by the door smirking at me. He then tells me to play along and I have no idea what he’s about to do until he says:)

Friend: “The tip is under the white piece of paper with my number on it. Call me, sweetie.”

(The waitress nearly sprints to the table as we run out to his car, laughing hysterically.)

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