First Time In A Hotel? Part 2

I am working at an extended stay property as a front desk supervisor. I was newly appointed to the role, and as such, I am ambitious to prove that I can resolve EVERY guest issue. (I will later unlearn this ridiculous expectation.)

We have a family come to check-in: a middle-aged husband and wife, and three kids ranging from seven to twelve. They are here per their insurance, as they managed to burn down their house. We are prepared for their arrival, and we offer our condolences while welcoming them to their new home for the next couple of months.

Nothing seems out of the ordinary, nor do they seem like particularly entitled guests; they’re just a family down on their luck.

Time moves forward, and shifts pass without anyone seeing them. That’s not particularly unusual, since there are multiple methods to depart the elevator — and the hotel — without interacting with the front desk.

(These are my favorite kinds of guests. They stick to themselves and don’t yell at me about how many complimentary waters are required to sustain their existence while staying with us.)

One day, a strange letter is delivered in our daily mail. The return address has the family’s last name, and it is addressed for immediate opening by a manager. I shrug, and open it, thinking Manager On Duty is good enough.

What follows is the BEST complaint letter I have ever gotten. I’ve even framed it, as it was hilarious.

This family was awoken on their first night by the exclamations of two people in the throes of making love. The headboard was pounding, the moans were reverberating, and this family was traumatized.

Family: “We could not believe that two people were capable of making noises similar to that of a dying yak. We figured this would be a godly and family-friendly hotel. How dare you allow those kinds of activities to happen within the earshot of children?! We will send you a bill for the therapy our poor children will have to endure after this.”

They did, in fact, send and attempt to sue the property over the money for a therapist. The case was dropped, as our legal team had to explain that sexual intercourse does, in fact, happen at hotels — frequently.

What gets me is that they never complained to us that night. They just packed up and shipped out.

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First Time In A Hotel?