Finally Pizza’d It All Together

| Related | February 19, 2015

(My father is trying to order a pizza from a national chain online. He is overwhelmed by the number of options and combinations, and we’re all entertained by his attempts.)

Dad: “So, we could get the box, which is two medium pizzas with sides . . . but what sides? And if their fryer is broken, can they make mozzarella sticks?”

Mom: “Yes, they bake those.”

Dad: “We should just get two medium pizzas! This is too complicated.”

Brother: “Your poor brain must be so challenged.”

Dad: “No, you see? There are two medium pizzas with four toppings…  between the two pizzas! So you have to decide if you want two on each pizza, or three on one and what those are, and just one on the other!”

Mom: “Oh, my God. If you ever had to go grocery shopping, you’d never come back!”

Dad: “Oh, should I get it drizzled?”

Mom: “What?”

Dad: “See, there’s FIVE FLAVORS! There’s balsamic, which is ‘A slightly sweet reduction of Modena, Italy, balsamic vinegar, aged in oak and chestnut casks.’ Or Honey Sriracha, ‘Sweet heat. A fusion of real honey and intense red chilies.’”

Me: “Wait, what are we drizzling?”

Dad: “They make a sauce and drizzle it over the top of your pizza.”

Me: “Oh, okay. I wasn’t sure if we were drizzling the pizza or the breadsticks or what.”

Mom: *sigh* “If you don’t knock it off I’m going to go grab a damn (Frozen Pizza) and throw it in!”

Dad: “I JUST WANT MY DAMN PIZZA!”

Brother: “You know, when I was ordering a pizza for me and my friends it wasn’t this hard.”

Dad: “Yeah, well, you had three brains working on it! I just have one!”

Me: “And it’s clearly not up to the task!”

(Mom asks about movies to order.)

Dad: “Now not to complicate things…”

Mom: *dramatic sigh*

Dad: “… but I have a buy-one-get-one-free for the movies and the question is… Do you want it drizzled?”

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