A Secure Relationship

(My husband has just come home from work. He works nights and forgot his key, so he has to wake me up to have the door opened. We live in a relatively safe neighborhood, but there have been a few disturbances lately. We both realize that we have mildly paranoid personalities and like to make jokes of it.)

Husband: “We really need a safe word just in case.”

Me: “Why would we need that? It’s not like anyone would want to get in here.”

Husband: “You never know. Some people just like to be violent.”

Me: “Okay. Banana hammock.”

Husband: “That’ll be a good start.”

Me: “Seriously? Verbal codes can’t stand out. Anyone can watch you and know that you need to say ‘banana hammock’ to get in, and when you don’t they’ll know you’ve told me something’s wrong.”

Husband: “No, it’s not like anyone would pay that much attention.”

Me: “You never know. Some people like to stalk their prey. We’d have to change the safe word every time you use it.”

Husband: “No, we wouldn’t.”

Me: “Yes, we would. We have to use something normal. How about ‘I forgot my keys on the bathroom counter’?”

Husband: “That would work.”

Me: “Of course it would. If you want to impose verbal security on me, you’d better get it right!”