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Fart Jokes Exist In A Vacuum

, , , , , | Working | September 28, 2018

Our lobby is going to be closing soon, so my manager sends me out to vacuum the floor. There are a number of customers seated, eating, so my vacuuming will be limited to the places where no one is seated. The vacuum is old and practically worthless in terms of cleaning, but my manager insists that there isn’t money available for a new one.

As I get started, I feel gas building, and I end up farting. It’s a long one, too. The sound is covered by the noisy vacuum, so I keep going.

As I vacuum my way past a customer, I can hear them utter a yelp of horror over the noise. They are staring at my vacuum with expressions of absolute horror and disgust.

One of them says to me, “The motor is burning out.”

I don’t confess, mostly because I’m too embarrassed. I just nod with a straight face and keep going, dragging the smell behind me. Five minutes later, the smell has permeated the entire lobby. In those five minutes, everyone has complained to the manager about the smell of the “vacuum,” and everyone clears out. It’s still fifteen minutes until we close our lobby, but no customers have remained to tough it out.

The manager comes out from behind the counter and stops dead when he meets the wall of scent. He gives my vacuum the same look of horror and disgust, gestures for me to stop vacuuming, and sends me to do other duties.

A few days later, a brand new vacuum is mysteriously afforded, and the old one is disposed of.

I’ve never confessed.