F*** With This Girl And You’ll Get Your Just Desserts
My little sister is probably one of the bravest souls to grace the earth.
When she was just an infant, I remember being a four-year-old little jerk, putting on a Halloween mask, sneaking up behind her while she was playing with her little toys, and yelling, “RAWR!” She simply jumped a little, glared, and proceeded to bean me in the head with one of her wooden alphabet blocks.
When she was three, we were playing in our yard, and someone’s (apparently lost) dog wandered in — a large German Shepherd. Terrified, I immediately climbed to the top of our jungle gym and yelled for my sister to follow me. She simply walked up to him, grabbed his collar, and yelled at him as she led him away.
Sister: “Get out of our yard!”
He suddenly spun around and bit her wrist.
Sister: “Ow, you jerk! Don’t do that again!”
Thankfully, our neighbor saw the scene and ran up, advising her to never approach or handle strange dogs. He took the dog away with him.
When she was six, it was past dark, and we heard rustling and voices outside our window. One of them made a bizarre cackling noise while another made a gagging noise, and I ran for Mom. My mom told me to stay put and went to go look for my sister. She couldn’t find her anywhere — because [Sister] had taken it upon herself to grab her Little League baseball bat and march right out to the source of the noise. I could hear her saying in an unamused voice:
Sister: “You guys are gonna get in trouble.”
It turned out to be some random teenagers smoking and just acting stupid.
We found a big hairy spider inside the car. [Sister] simply grabbed it, flung it out of the window, and then went back to reading her book.
A man in a store loudly scolded me for something petty. [Sister] walked up to him yelling.
Sister: “Hey, pick on someone your own size!”
When he looked like he was seriously about to blow a fuse and stepped forward, she took a step forward, as well, glaring right back at him!
But I’ve saved the best for last.
I was eleven years old, and I had a run-in with a bully who had to have outweighed my hundred-pound frame by a good thirty or forty pounds. I’d gotten sick of his constant harassment and his “Do something about it; I’m ready!” comments, and I finally decided to take him up on it and throw the first punch. I quickly found myself on the ground, having my face rearranged, while a circle of other kids cheered him on.
Suddenly, a pair of arms wrapped around his neck, and he stopped punching me and screamed:
Bully: “OW! OW-OW-OW! OWWW!”
I realized it was my little sister — on his back, with a mouthful of his ear!
She continued biting his ear with ferocious strength to the point that her head was trembling while he desperately tried to buck her off of him.
Sister: “LEAVE MY BROTHER ALONE OR I’LL BITE OFF YOUR EARS!”
Then, she bit right back down on his ear. This guy became frantic.
Bully: “SOMEONE GET THIS KID OFF ME! COME ON, PLEASE! I DON’T WANT TO WALK AROUND WITH NO EARS!”
I got off the ground and smirked.
Me: “You gonna leave me alone from here on out?”
Bully: “YES! I’M SORRY!”
I pretended to think it over*.
Me: “Mmm… Oh, all right. [Sister], you can let go now.”
I gently lifted her off of the guy. She complied and let go… and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a kid filled with the amount of rage she had. As he knelt on the ground, holding his ear, with his face twisted in agony, she decided to drive home her point by delivering a ferocious kick to his ribs.
Sister: “NEXT TIME, I’LL BITE YOU IN THE JUGULAR!”
He never bothered me again — and to this day, he has a large bubble on his ear.
I would love to say that today my sister is an Army ranger, Marine soldier, or firefighter. But she likes her dessert bakery business much better. And that’s just fine by me!
