Ex-traordinary Realization

(My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. We are outside walking around when my boyfriend, who normally doesn’t like public displays of affection, ostentatiously puts his arm around me.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Boyfriend: “Nothing. Just, well, that’s my ex.”

(I can’t help looking because the way he tells their breakup, she’s the Wicked Witch of the West. She looks completely normal.)

Me: “Oh, I see.”

Boyfriend: “I bet she’s going to come over here and make a huge fuss.”

(Our paths do cross, but it looks pretty innocent to me.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, hi, [Ex].”

Ex: “Hey, [Boyfriend]. How’s it going?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, great. Fantastic. This is [My Name]. My girlfriend.”

Ex: *smiling* “Hello, nice to meet you. Sorry I can’t chat; I’m meeting someone. Take care now.” *crosses the street*

Boyfriend: “See what I mean! What a b****, blowing us off like that!”

Me: “I thought you didn’t want to talk to her.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I mean, she didn’t used to talk or act like that.”

Me: “… Polite?”

Boyfriend: “No. See, when she’s all formal like that it means she really doesn’t like you. She’s way more casual normally.”

Me: “Or maybe it’s because I’m a complete stranger and she didn’t want to be rude?”

Boyfriend: “Well, whatever. The ice queen isn’t my problem any more.” *pause* “I wonder who she’s meeting?”

Me: “Probably her.”

(I point across the street to where his ex-girlfriend is giving an affectionate kiss to another woman.)

Boyfriend: “She’s GAY?! Why didn’t she TELL me?”

Me: “You would have been okay with it?”

Boyfriend: “We were together for YEARS! I totally wanted a threesome and she knew it. She was just holding out on me!”

(My relationship with him didn’t last too much longer after that, especially once he started trying to push me to ‘decide’ that I liked women, too.)