Ears Not Cut Off For Music

(My brother’s wedding is this weekend. He and I, along with his best man and another friend of his, have gone to a mall in Jacksonville to pick up our tuxedos. As we all try them on to test them, the clerk comes out to examine things.)

Tux Rental Clerk: “Is everybody all set? Nothing too tight or too slack anywhere? No missing items?”

(We all confirm that our outfits are perfect.)

Tux Rental Clerk: “Great. Now I’d like you all to just walk around in them for a little while. Make sure everything feels right, you know?”

Brother: “Walk around in the store? It’s kind of crowded.”

Tux Rental Clerk: “You can step out into the mall; just don’t go too far away. Stay up here on the second floor.”

(The four of us go walking out of the store in our tuxedos.)

Best Man: “Hey, [Brother], we could just go back to the car and not pay for these.”

Brother: “Heh. He has our credit card numbers already, remember?”

Best Man: “Can’t blame a dude for tryin’.”

Me: “You know, we’re kind of like the Reservoir Dogs right now.”

Brother: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You know, a bunch of guys just strutting around in suits like we own the place. Everyone looking at us.”

(People shopping on the second floor of the mall are, in fact, staring at us. At that moment, a woman with an expensive-looking purse and a little boy comes walking right up to us.)

Woman: “Excuse me, but… are you guys a singing quartet?”

Me: “Uh, n—”

Best Man: “We sure are!”

Brother: *snickering* “Yup.”

Other Friend: “Heh, yeah. We’re called the Reservoir Dogs.”

Woman: “Oh, wonderful! My son’s birthday party is next week and I was looking for a musical group to perform!”

Brother: “This little guy right here?”

Woman: “Yes, [Son] will be six years old. There will be about 30 guests, and it’s a four-hour gig.”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think—”

Brother: “WELLLL, our schedule for next week is pretty open.”

Woman: “Fantastic! Do you suppose you could perform a little something right now?”

Me: “We couldn’t—”

Other Friend: “We’d love to! Wouldn’t we, guys?”

Brother & Best Man: “Definitely.”

(I’m not sure whether I want to vomit or punch all three of them right in the face.)

Brother: “Right, let’s do it just like we practiced.” *singing* “We both lie silently still in the dead of the night. Although we both lie close together, we feel miles apart inside.”

Best Man: *singing* “Was it something I said or something I did? Did my words not come out right? Though I tried not to hurt you, though I tried. But I guess that’s why they say…”

(Both of them are awful singers, and I grit my teeth, knowing what’s next.)

All Four Of Us: *singing* “Every rose has its thorn, just like every night has its dawn, just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song, every rose has its thorn!”

Woman: *face crinkling in disgust* “That was some of the worst singing I’ve ever heard. You guys are completely awful! I wouldn’t hire you if you were the last singers on Earth!”

Brother: *snorting* “I guess you just can’t please some customers!”

(She turns up her nose at us and walks away.)

Me: “I take it back. The Reservoir Dogs would never have done something that uncool.”