Dying To Get Out Of Detention

(I’m an English teacher at a middle school. I catch a student coming in late.)

Me: “Kiddo, you’re late; you got detention after school.”

(I see the student force fake tears into his eyes.)

Student: “But my brother died last night!”

Me: “I’m so sorry for your loss buddy, but I’ll tell you a story. When I was nine, my disabled, mute, happy, loving older brother died. I still went to school. I also lost my sweet grandpa, who was like a perfect dad, and he died when I was eleven. I still went to school the next day despite the fact I cried for about half an hour after receiving the news. My emotions aren’t as strong as some; I cried a lot after hurting my knee, and it left a small scar. You didn’t even lose one tear when you broke your arm a year ago, so I doubt you’re too emotionally frail right now. You’re also 13, so, unless you are able to get a death certificate confirming the death, detention.”

(The student’s friends are holding back their laughter.)

Student: “Aw man, I thought it would work!”

Me: “Yeah, I could have called that lie when I was a sixth grader; all that reading I did wasn’t for nothing!”