Dug Himself Into A Hole, The Wrong Hole

(I’m in my history class during my junior year of high school. I am a rather studious high-schooler, and I am one of my teacher’s favorite students. This day, we are working on questions for a new chapter, and I am trying to focus on my notes. However, this one annoying girl in our class has decided to start a homophobic rant. It should be noted that I am a rather quiet person, and I was the vice president of our school’s Gay-Straight Alliance last year.)

Annoying Classmate: “I just don’t understand why lesbians are attracted to manly-looking girls. They could just as easily get with a guy.”

(I start to twitch, but I try to keep focused on my homework. Other classmates are either staying silent or giving noncommittal answers.)

Annoying Classmate: “I mean seriously, why go with a girl who looks super muscular and manly when you could just have a guy? I don’t understand it.”

(My twitching and seething increases in intensity.)

Annoying Classmate: “Could someone please tell me why some of these lesbians go for super butch chicks? It’s so weird. Like, I just don’t get it.”

Me: “BECAUSE THEY LIKE VAGINA! VAGINA! THEY DON’T LIKE THE BANANA; THEY LIKE THE TACO! THEY. LIKE. VAGINA!”

(Everybody stares at me in shock for a couple of seconds, and then two of my classmates give me high-fives and thank-yous for shutting her up.)

Annoying Classmate: “Mr. [Teacher], aren’t you going to do anything?”

Teacher: “Nope. Now shut up and get to work.”