Drunk But Orderly

(I work as a bouncer at a bar in a small Illinois college town. On the busier weekend nights there are cops stationed in the bar district. Sometimes, they just sit and talk with the various bouncers, asking how their nights are going and watching for drunks. As I’m out at the exit door talking with one, he is telling me that it has been a slow night for the police with no real problems. Just then, a patron stumbles out of my door with a beer bottle in his hand.)

Me: “Sir, you can’t bring your beer outside of the bar. Could you please go back inside with it?”

Customer: “Why don’t you f*** off! You can’t do s*** to me!”

(Before I can say anything, the cop, who is next to me but out of view of the customer, steps out and addresses him in a non-threatening but very deep tone.)

Cop: “I advise you do what this man says. He may not be able to harm you, but I can. And I would love for you to give me an excuse to arrest you.”

(The customer looks as for a moment he is going to take a swing at the cop, but reconsiders his actions.)

Customer: “Perhaps I should go back inside.” *hurries back inside*

Cop: *turns to me* “I was really hoping he would make a move. Then I’d finally get to do something fun tonight!”