Drug Tests And Cell Phones And Crocs, Oh My

(Our store manager is on vacation. About a month prior, we’d been assigned a new assistant manager, who was promptly nicknamed the dictator, and a manager-in-training, who is constantly cheerful with a gratingly high voice. The assistant manager yells at employees often, but uses our store manager’s vacation as an excuse to go on a punishment spree. I get a phone call from our manager-in-training on a Thursday.)

Manager-In-Training: *voicemail* “Hi, [My Name]. We need to get your drug test scheduled ASAP! Come in today or EARLY tomorrow. Bye!”

(I have a painfully shy bladder, so I drink more than any one human being should, simply so I won’t have the chance to freeze up. I’m in the store by 10:45 am Friday. By 11:00, she finally comes to customer service where I’ve been waiting. Note: our store is not terribly big.)

Manager-In-Training: “I’m so glad you’re here since this drug test is super important! Unfortunately, I don’t have the credentials to actually authorize your drug test. But [Assistant Manager] will be here at noon!”

Me: *my stomach drops as I’m already to the point of bursting* “Why did you tell me to come early if I couldn’t actually do it until the afternoon?!”

Manager-In-Training: “I was expecting you to call back!”

Me: “Why would I call back? What was there to clarify? You said that night or early today. That’s pretty straightforward!”

Manager-In-Training: “Well, I’m sorry. He’ll be here at noon! What are your plans for the rest of the day?”

(I end up going home and peeing, seeing how I didn’t think I’d be able to hold it another hour plus the time it would take to get authorized and drive to the testing location. That night I have to work, and I am in the process of trying to both decipher and darken our weekly schedule for that department, as the managers have take to copying them painfully light. The department phone rings and I answer it.)

Me: “[Department], [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Assistant Manager: “You wanna get off your phone?”

Me: *confused* “What…?”

Assistant Manager: “I see you bent over your register. Get off your phone.”

Me: “I’m not on my phone; I’m at the computer desk trying to read the schedule since it’s barely legible.”

Assistant Manager: “You’re what?”

Me: “I’m WRITING.”

Assistant Manager: “Oh.” *hangs up*

(One of the stock people approaches, wanting to be rung out for her break.)

Stock: “They tried to write me up for my shirt today!” *gestures to her respectable black button-down shirt* “Because it’s not BLUE.”

Me: “What? Who did?”

Stock: “[Assistant Manager] and [Manager-In-Training]! I told them no, because [Store Manager] said it was okay! Even [Regional Supervisor] has seen me wearing this shirt, and he has never said a word about it! So, I told them no, I’m not signing that write-up. If they don’t want me to wear it anymore, fine, but they’re not going to write me up for something I’ve been wearing for years! They tried to write up [Coworker] for his shirt, too. I told him no, don’t sign that! You’ve been wearing that shirt since you started, and nobody said a word until [Store Manager] went on vacation!”

(It’s also worth noting that on Thursday, they sent one of the cashiers home for wearing crocs because there’s holes in them, because open-toe shoes of any kind are against the dress code, but instead of calling in a replacement, they just left the store with basically one cashier all day.)

Me: “Christ, [Store Manager] really needs to come back and reign in the kids. They’re getting ridiculous…”

(That stock person is one of his favorites, and I honestly can’t wait to hear what she tells our store manager. In the meantime, the rest of us are literally counting down the hours until his return…)