Drug Test: Scoring A Big Fat ‘D’
(I am doing to pre-closing activities when a young man runs up, puts his hands on the checkout desk, and leans toward me in a panic.)
Customer: *under his breath* “Where do you keep the penises?”
Me: “I must have misheard you, sir. The what?”
Customer: *still mumbling, looking around* “You know what I’m talking about. The penises.”
Me: “I… know what those are. I’m not sure why you would think we’d carry them.”
Customer: *getting agitated* “Not, like, real ones. You know, they come in… like… black, and white, and Asian.”
Me: “Wait, you’re looking for a fake penis?”
Customer: *relieved that he’s gotten through to me* “Yeah, like, so you can fill it with urine. From someone else. For a thing. Where are they?”
Me: *now realizing this is one of our many ‘help me pass a drug test’ customers* “We don’t carry anything to help you pass a drug test, or perform any other illegal activity. I can’t sell you ANYTHING now. Store policy. Please leave.”
Customer: “Who said anything about a drug test?”
Me: “Sir, for what legitimate purpose could you be filling a fake penis with someone else’s urine?”
(The customer struggled for a moment, looked around, and left.)
