Don’t Spread(sheet) Your Puns

(After completing a difficult task using my favourite spreadsheet software, I started the following instant messaging conversation with my colleague.)

Me: “I just want to confess my love for [Popular Spreadsheet]. I would marry [Popular Spreadsheet], if only [Popular Spreadsheet] would have me. I would even be willing the change my name to [My Name] 2010.”

Coworker: “You need to sell yourself to [Popular Spreadsheet]. It is all about marketing! Impress on [Popular Spreadsheet] how you know how to handle him, make him PIVOT, etc. You can be [My Name] 2010! You have to make him notice you. It is a pretty BASIC FORMULA, the fastest way to Popular Spreadsheet]’s heart is through his CELLS!”

Me: “You know, I’m pretty fond of [Popular Search Engine] too. In fact, I wouldn’t even just how great [Popular Spreadsheet] was if it weren’t for [Popular Search Engine] singing his praises all the time.”

Coworker: “Is [Popular Search Engine] competition then?”

Me: “I’m thinking threesome, really.”

Coworker: “Wow, you would LAYOUT for that huh?”

Me: “You just don’t understand [Popular Spreadsheet] if you don’t feel the same way.”

Coworker: “I guess I don’t understand that, and The [Popular Word Processing Program] doesn’t think it is natural!”

Me: “Don’t even bring The [Popular Word Processing Program] into this. The [Popular Word Processing Program] isn’t worth the paper he’s printed on.”

Coworker: “Jezebel! Heathen! Sinner! When the great TABLE comes, you will not be MERGED!”

Me: “Merging is for those who lack free will. [Popular Spreadsheet] and I will Center Across Selection!”

Coworker: “Your changes will be MARKED and in the FINAL MARKUP you will not be accepted into the great PDF in the sky!”

Me: “You win.”

Coworker: “The righteous always do!”